Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

Walked out of group this morning. Found myself getting angrier and angrier. Bottom line was i felt someones emotions were being pushed aside and not vailidated. I felt enraged. I walked away questioning myself as to why i was so angry. Basically it took me back to when i was fourteen and first diagnosis  of depression. My father said why are you depressed  your young and got your whole life ahead of you.

Those words affected me deeply, and right now i am realising just how much.

I know i did the wrong thing by just walking away this morning. Strong emotion comes up and i run for the hills. I came home and lay on the bed . Slept till 4pm. Still feel withdrawn recoiling within myself.

I had a phone call from the facilitator and i found it hard to find the right words to say what i wanted to say. Obviously my leaving without telling anyone affected the group. So that is something i will have to address next week.

Funny but i kept telling myself to turn around and go back when i realised what it was all about, but i just kept walking.

[NikNik]

Hi Chris,

Wow! Not many people are able to reflect as well as you. You had a major breakthrough by searching for why you had that reaction. Perhaps it's a realisation you wouldn't have reached without this incident. Now you are more aware of it, it's something you can tackle. 

I have similar experiences of not being able to articulate myself well when I'm feeling emotional - so I can relate to your experience with the facilitator. As old fashoned as it might sound, I tend to write it all down (edit, reword, etc) which either gives me clarity on how to express myself or if I still feel unfortable, I will give them the piece of paper as a starting point.

Don't be too hard on yourself for leaving - maybe you needed space. As long as you're not keeping it in and letting it build up. 

It sounds like you're heading back to the group next week AND you have had a new insight into something really triggering for you - and it sounds like your a step towards managing that better.

I think there's a few of us who have walked out of a group before - I know @PeppiPatty goes to (or at least use to go to) support groups - PeppiPatty, have you had this experience before and how did you manage it?

[PeppiPatty]

Hi @Chris and @NikNik

When I read @Chris message, I forst thought...good for you @Chris

But then I read that you thought that you felt these thoughts that you could have stayed ....

Am I right on this?

@Chris what is your gut tellling you? 

Can you have space 

Will you go straight back next week?

[Chris]

When i realized why i had such a strong reaction, i knew the right thing to do was to go back and address it straight away. I could have worked through it with the help of the facilitator and group members.

However the emotion  was so strong. I had to get as far away as possible. I was torn between knowing what was the right thing to do and the strength of the urge  to run. My angry reaction felt overwhelming. I felt i couldnt get through go this group member that emotions need to be acknowledged,  not pushed aside and think and do positive things. He just seemed to be so much like my dad who i could never get through to.

I had this dream last night of this torrent of water. Like a raging river flowing. I was sitting on the edge. Other people were in the water floating around down this torrent. A life boat was there too. Ready to rescue. I kept being encouraged to jump in but i was very hesitant.  At one point i was in the water,  but floating backwards, i couldnt see anything, then back on the side again making excuses  as to why i wouldnt go back in. Its very enlighting i think.

Yes i will go back next week. Its our last group for this round. I have committed  for another six month round. I feel my progress is slow, but i am progressing. Being aware of an emotion comming up is a big step forward, and each time this comes up is an opportunity for me to practice sitting with it. Sometimes  i can work through it other times not so successful,  like yesterday.

[Acacia]

What an interesting dream. It sounds like you’re asking quite a bit of yourself at the moment. As you mention, being aware of the emotion coming up is a really good thing and something you can be satisfied with achieving. Being frustrated that you didn’t respond in a particular way is ok too. Perhaps your dream is telling you that you just need to be gentle? Jumping into the torrent can be good sometimes, but at other times you might just need to sit on the bank for a while and calmly reflect on how far you’ve come. As you say, being able to sit with the emotion is a good thing and it sounds like you are also seeing different ways you might be able to respond.

And as NikNik says, your capacity to reflect on what has happened and identify your emotional reaction is impressive. In any case, it sounds like it’s been a bit of an exhausting day or two. Is there something relaxing you can do to look after yourself this afternoon?

[Chris]

I recieved a message from my cousin overseas to tell me that  he had been called into the hospital by the specialist.  My sister who is in hospital now has a blood infection which isnt responding to antibiotics

He said he will talk to me on Friday after he has seen her.. so i phoned my other sister to let her know. She got a bit teary toward the end of our conversation.

How do i feel? Mixed up and churned up. Ours has been an off again on again relationship not of my doing. Its too complicated to go into. And i guess thats why i have mixed emotions about this.

I told my husband and he rang me back half an hour  later to ask  me if i wanted to go over and see her. I was dumb founded. I didnt know what to say. My concern was how are we going to finance the trip at short notice.my next concern was i dont think we will make it in time. It would probably take a week to get everything in order, and we would have to have at least a one night stopover. My husband has a long history of dvts. A twelve hr fight in cramped contitions would be pushing our luck, followed by a further thirteen  hour leg, plus another three hours to home in uk. The weather ther is bad at the moment. I hate the thought of us relying on family to drive us. I really cant see us going.

Well i have this mental image of her in her hospital  bed and me sitting next to her. What do i say. Do i say what see wants to hear. I stay incontrol of my emotions pushing them down.

I went to the beach this afternoon,  bought my coffee and sat down, thinking what would  I  like to say to her. I had my diary with me, but it didnt make it out of my bag, to scared of what might come up. Emotions ofcourse.

So thats me for today anxiety is back and feeling unbelievably tired. Feel like I'm  sitting on pins waiting for the next thing to happen.

[PeppiPatty]

You have a lot to think about..... Poor @Chris.

Can you Skype your sister in hospital. I apologise, I dont know the rules of Skype.....but would you be comfortable with that?

Have you heard from your other sister?

Thinking about you, @Chris

[Chris]

I might be able to organize it with my cousin.  She is in a public hospital so i dont know if we can access  it.it seems that she is very weak and was unable to talk to my cousin even though she tried. We wont get there untill next weekend at the earliest. I have asked him to ask her specialist what he thinks about us going over. It may just give us a better insight to how things really are.

I havent heard anymore from my other sister. I know she is quiet unwell and saw her gp today. This is the last thing she needs. Me well i do enough worrying and catastrophising for all three of us.cant sleep. My brain is working overtime. Not even my music is working. Feel like i could drink a whole bottle of something.  Just as well i dont drink. Just soooo stressed over the whole situation.

[PeppiPatty]

@ChrisYou doing really well. This is your sister.

Your..... writing to dialogue with others....

You are not keeping it inside yourself. You discuss with others to get a more .....healthy way of dealing with this event in your life.

I looked up DB ....you write your hasband has. Is that clotting in your legs ...what you get when you fly in an aeroplane?

Can I ask  @Mazarita    and @Appleblossom what they think? Also, I think @Shaz51 or @Jacques@Billamba might have a good suggestion ?

[Chris]

Yes its deep vein thrombosis,  on both occasions he hadn't flown or been on a long trip. He has to have injections to thin his blood if we fly.its always a worry for me. We take every precaution to prevent it but its still high risk.

He seems to be determined to go. He got his passport of me this morning, and is going to get photos done after work, then go to the immagration office. I feel like this is running out of my control . His heart is in the right place, but he is not listening to me. We both will have to cancel surgery, which is not in either of our best interests. Theres more against this than for it. My biggest fear is getting there too late. I have asked my cousin to ask my sisters dr what they think. The answer will give me a better idea where things stand, but at the same time know it unpredictable,  if that makes sense.  Bottom line i dont want to go. Im being forsed too, and i dont know if im strong enough to stand my ground. It feels like it is running out of my control.

I asked my cousin also about skyping, and he said he thinks a video call should be possible, but he will find out for sure. 

Oh what a mess.