Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sharni-lea]

My husband started behaviours with little regard for consequence a couple of years ago, I had no idea what BPD was but since things have spiralled this has been mentioned by GPs as well as adhd known depression and anxiety. In my naivety I nagged and cried and rationalised to no avail until I finally asked him to decide what he wanted. He went to 'think'came and left and then admitted after 2 months of being emotionally detached and abusive that he needed help. It's been another 3 months of him out of home. Some weeks he says he's lost love for me and doesn't know what he wants, but then he is suicidal, sleeps and eats stays home and has lost love for everyone and all relationships so I don't take this as a sign. He sags he wants this to work and doesn't want to lose me, yet can't offer anything right now and understands if I can't wait. Sometimes he pushes me away then says it's because he feels guilty for me waiting and I deserve better. I'm so exhausted. I love him so so much and want to wait but the bread crumbs I get break my heart. I'm having a bad week. He says he does think of me and misses me but is barely functioning above feeding himself and showering so has nothing to offer. Others say I'm being manipulated and strung along. Have any of you supported through the long game to find your partner is sincere. Deep in my heart I feel his love, was all such a sudden crisis point I feel maybe we are still admist an episode of some sort. Just after some hope, support and any lived advice I guess. Thank you

[Healandlove]

@Sharni-lea , I can feel your pain and desperation. This is a very hard situation..I am sorry you are going through it. You are in the right place, this community is wonderfully supportive. We are all here for you. 

Has your husband been accessed by a GP and psychologist? Could he have complex post traumatic stress disorder? CPTSD for short? People with cptsd suffer from shame spirals that makes them dettach themselves from others and struggle with closeness,  communication etc. Are there children in your marriage? I ask because sometimes children can trigger things from a parents childhood that can impact them years later. It happened to my husband when he became a parent. Was there any specific event that brought on this change in behaviour on your husband? Understanding why he is behaving this way may help you see the situation with clarity and also help with your healing and coping mechanisms. Is there a way to encourage him to seek help? He sounds like he is going through a trigger or a cptsd episode. My husband has cptsd and before he started therapy and marriage counselling he was very closed off, emotionally unavailable,  would not take responsibility for his words or actions and overall had a lot of anger. Therapy helped with finding a diagnosis for him and he is slowly making some improvements in his behaviour.  Unfortunately cptsd has no cure and takes years of therapy and real commitment to improve. As a support person it is an incredibly hard road to travel together but I have hope that the therapy will help us. 

Are you seeing someone that can help you process and protect yourself whilst still remaining empathetic and supportive? Please, please look after yourself.  I know your heart is breaking but there is hope for your healing. We are here for you. Sending you love and hugs 🫂.  

[Sharni-lea]

Thank you,

I read your reply as I sit here in tears as I have just received messages saying that he has invited a female friend to a concert we had tickets to even though he knows I have an issue with this person. He said he obviously can't do and right when I said I'm hurt he invited her without asking me first and when I asked if he's coming with her or me said he hasn't thought about it yet, so obviously no thought of how I might feel.

The only past trauma is emotional from his mum. We have 4 teenage children biologically mine. He struggled when they went feom kids to teens as they no longer idolised him and he took offence to them not putting plates away as said it was reflective of them not caring for or loving him.

He had seen two gps, said he is suicidal.at times and also that he wants to hurt others emotionally seeking fights and imagines hitting people when driving etc. They just said to exercise! We saw a psychologist together and she said she can't help and that be needs to go alone, he promised to and hasn't. We are rural and he doesn't like zoom so access is an issue. Psychiatrist is in may and he has a psych in march, non medicated 

[Sharni-lea]

@headandlove

[Bee36]

What you said about the plates is so relatable @Sharni-lea , my husband also tends to take every little thingcas a direct attack on his being, he also has BPD however still in the home, it is quite challenging....but gosh that all sounds really awful...It's so hard when they continue to hurt you especially when your already feeling so low...mentally unwell or not you must not allow him to continue to mindmess you like that...try your best not to engage with that negative energy...take a break love, redirect your energy and go and do some nice things for your self, get strong again, your already physically apart, I feel like that must've been such a hard step but its been done. Focus on your health and happiness now. Take a breather for a little while....sending strength and positive energy your way 💪

[Healandlove]

@Sharni-lea , this is very hard to read. I echo what @Bee36 is saying. I think you need a break and to start focusing on yourself and your healing. I know it's hard because you still love him but this is a road he needs to take himself with real commitment for improvement. I am hoping he does.

Someone that doesn't love themselves enough can't love others. 

Focus on yourself for now and your teenagers if they are still at home. Seek the company of friends and family that make you smile. I find that taking time to myself to draw, colour in, read, helps with distractions and finding peace. 

We all deserve genuine love that doesn't hurt like this. Sending you hugs 🫂.  I'm thinking of you ❤️

[Sharni-lea]

Thank you, I'm not very good at self care, have spend the last months alone working hard to exercise, work, raise the teens, live on 100acres so pick up the pieces here as well as work, I just ruminate and analyse and want to 'fix' it so badly I have read and read to the point I feel like maybe I am codependent,  have narcisitic traits and am the one with mh challenges and trauma bonded , although I know it's now me as it's affecting all aspects of his life and only my relationship in my life, all other parts of my world are functioning as usual so I think I am over reading and a little gaslit over the years perhaps. I got an I love you via text yesterday and I almost die, I am scared it's al out like a Stockholm syndrome although please don't get me wrong there's no physical or terrible abuse, but definitely manipulations gaslighting 😞 

[Bee36]

I understand @Sharni-lea i havent been great at it either, but I have been practising self care and little amounts add up..I hear you about feeling so messed up mentally yourself, when we are in an abusive-no matter what type or dysfunctional relationship for so long it eventually takes its toll, its not sustainable and burns us out, and certainly does some real damage to our own mental health...i crashed and burned late last year, I Was just completely depleted and so down, since then I have found that just tiny little things with an intention of just doing something calming and nice for myself that i enjoy, has helped bring a sense of calm and relaxation to my days amongst all of the chaos, or finding peace as @Healandlove mentioned, even if it is only for a few minutes here and there...if we can't stop the cycle for whatever reasons we at least need to look after ourselves whilst in it...