Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

I managed to get the girls together to eat tonight @Zoe7 , because D2 hadn’t eaten yet, and D3 has had enough energy to get up to the table this evening.  

I have spoken to the kids about this.  It’s usual when the family had grown up that everyone is own their own schedule for the day, so we all need to make a concerted effort for it to happen.  When I was cooking the family meals that happened more easily because the kids would check in with me, but mr. competed with me to provide meals for the kids, and part of avoiding “competition tension” over the kids, I have to let go of whatever I can that comes under that strain.

A major part of that problem is that he is treating the kidults as if they were children.

[Zoe7]

It is wonderful to hear you could get your girls together to eat tonight @Faith-and-Hope  Small things that in the bigger scheme of things that are important.

I hear you about treating the kidults as children - not really good for their own independence or self-esteem  I don't mean to be completely biased here against Mr but the controlling way he treats you all does not allow for each one of your baby dragons to find their own feet ...and with him being undiagnosed and the combination of that and the kids MH issues it is so hard to move beyond that with any confidence. 

It is great that you have spoken to the kids about the different schedules and that they make a concerted effort to check in with you - that also provides them with an outlet to vent to you knowing that you will listen and support them. They need that balance in their lives and of course it is good for you to be able to know what is going on for them too. You do such an amazing job under incredibly difficult circumstances but providing that safety and security for your baby dragons is all they can ask 

[Faith-and-Hope]

The treating of the kidults as children was part of the switch / triggered state @Zoe7 , because while he was always anxious over the older kids, this wasn’t happening.

[Zoe7]

Is that because the older kids have their own lives separate from your family life and he has very little control over them now @Faith-and-Hope ?

[Faith-and-Hope]

That’s the way it is now @Zoe7 , but I am talking about when the older kids were this age.  It’s been ten years now, since this all began.

[Zoe7]

That is so long for you to have to hold out hope that he will be diagnosed and things could be sorted out for you all @Faith-and-Hope From everything you have said about D1 she is a wonderful young woman so the best of both of you have rubbed off on her. You can only hope that your other baby dragons can find their own path as well and the more confidence they can get within themselves as they navigate through their studies (and family situation) the easier that will become for them. They are lucky to have you as their Mum Hon - gently guiding them along the way and allowing them to find themselves and their own path in their own time.

[Zoe7]

Off to bed island @Faith-and-Hope Goodnight Hon 

[Faith-and-Hope]

As I can @Zoe7, but like everyone I get gripped by self-doubt at times, and consider shoulda-dones...... but there is no preparing for something like this.  If I had grown up with narcicsm in my environment I might have understood the extended family dynamics better and how to draw my boundaries, and boundaries around the kids, earlier and stronger, but I didn’t ..... I had to learn as I went along, the hard way.  The fact that my hubby hadn’t seemed to be like that, until suddenly he was, is the bitter pill to swallow.  But still there is kindness, and thoughtfulness, and empathy ..... it’s just all wrapped up in the control issues and ed behaviours, and delusional thinking at times ..... and reserved

for those who are “for” him or directly in his line of care. Understanding that helps you to see that keeping those who are “for” him in his line of care becomes amongst his highest priorities.  He can’t identify cintrolling behaviours as different from caring behaviours.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Goodnight @Zoe7 🦋💤

👋💕 @Sans911 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Morning @Former-Member 

Good to see you Hon.