Safe Haven

[Teej]

I’ve been thinking of you too and noticed your absence @Former-Member. I’m really surprised too but I think if it were me I’d try everything I could through the sleep test and then see if your gp changes their mind re antidepressants. My dad has just gone through the sleep test and his results were terrifying. He’s going through all the dramas of using the cpap which alone looks like it’s enough to cause depression. It’s also made me aware that I probably need to do the test too. I feel like that is overwhelming too although using the machine I think will be overwhelming too. 

It sounds like you’ve had a really rough trot with your health. That must have taken its toll on you, it would me I know. I hope you have your hankies lined up and anything else that will help just a bit to get through. Thinking of you and wishing you luck. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Teej - what a beautiful bouquet of flowers! Thank you, I can smell the fragrance of the stocks and roses! Thank you.

Yes, I'm doing the sleep test tonight. It has to be done, it would have been nice to have had a bit more understanding and support to handle the anxiety though. I just feel as if I've been betrayed yet again. Y'know, get told to ask for help, finally get the courage to ask for help, get slapped down again because, no, you can't have any help until you do what I want you to do. sigh. 

I'm just going to shut up and be compliant with them, at least that way it won't get me black marks on my record and have me described as a 'difficult patient'. Hah, they don't keep proper notes anyway because they don't have the time to go to court, so if they don't have notes, they can't be called. So I've been told by my gp, and by the last psychologist. I should stop worrying about that part then I suppose. 

The tipping point about the sleep test being so important seemed to come when I told the gp that one of my children was a 'near miss cot death' who had to sleep on a breathing monitor for a couple of years and the issue caused problems for them with other things too. 

I agree about the cpap machine being enough to cause depression, the cost, the indignity, the changes to sleeping, the noise ... argh .... but, I am assured that this is the panacea to heal all my wounds. 

Let's hope it is all that! Thank you so much for your kindness, I really appreciate it. I shall put the flowers as my wall paper for a time I think!

I hope you are well enough yourself and that your dad is coming good with everything too. If you feel you must go ahead with the sleep test, do get a referral from your gp for bulk billing, it will save you heaps! 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member ..... 🧡💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wishing you courage and strength @Former-Member ...... and hoping for the best possible outcome for you.  Will be thinking of you .....

🧡💕

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope that is very kind of you.

I hope your situation has some improvements for you. I can't find where you posted, I know I read about things somewhere. Decisions discussed and made cannot be altered on a whim. Hold tight, @Faith-and-Hope, time to look after yourself so you can continue on with what must be done. 

I'm holding tight myself, the only thing that will get me through just now is the 'do what must be done', but it's being very very difficult to suck it up right now. 

Best wishes for as good a day as we can hope for anyone who passes by.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Former-Member ..... hearing you ..... 

Will come looking for you tomorrow here .... I expect you don’t know what time you will be home, but you can post from hospital anyway, right ?

[Former-Member]

Hi again @Faith-and-Hope thank you for your care and kindness. I do not have a mobile internet connected device of any kind. 

It's an in-home test, have to go to the pharmacy to get fitted up at 6pm - this was a compromise to going to hospital which I simply could not do - but the fitting at the pharmacy is also involves a series of indignities of the type I don't deal well with. 

Have to wear clothes I will sleep in - um, not wearing a nightie, not going braless uhuh - so simple dress to sleep in and will get wires and dots and strapped into this thing with thing up nose and everything - then drive home and wear it until sleep time, oh, around midnight or so. Sleep, then somehow remove it to shower and dress to take it back the next day. 

Sure, it sounds like it's not much of a big deal at all, if one doesn't have all the anxiety issues about where those dots are going to be put by a man who I'd rather didn't know me that well - but better than having all the extra levels of associated problems with going to the city and doing it in a hospital setting where it's unlikely I'd sleep anyway. sigh. 

I sometimes really hate, really really hate the way I have been affected by things that have been done unto me, I hate how I cannot cope without losing my dignity and, well, just cope, the crying, the never ending sadness. Usually I can manage, but the piling on of the everythings has really bowled me over this time. 

Something has to change, so one thing at a time. There are three options - make everything stop, do, or not do. 

Stopping everything means an end to, well, everything, and that's not a place I'm at right now, so not a viable option. 

Not doing means some extra negative sanctions from the caregivers, given I actually want some help with the way I'm experiencing life, not doing is not a viable option. 

Therefore, I am doing what must be done. 

Have the test tonight, have a gp appointment for a follow up in 2 weeks, so we will see how it goes. It's probably just my anxiety issues screwing with me. 

Thank you, I'll check back in tomorrow as soon as I can. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t find that process confronting and undignified @Former-Member ..... ☹️😔 ..... but as you say, it appears to be the most self-nurturing path forward at the moment.

”Courage, dear heart .... “ ❤️

Sitting with you .....

[outlander]

Hi @Former-Member

firstly big hugs! Your are going through such a horrid time atm, you poor thing.

Im not surprised you are all over the place and unable to control your emotions. Please know that despite being on your own physically you have us here.

With the sleep test, I would be rather uncomfortable and anxious about it too, I think anyone would be. I really hope that all that needs to be done is the cpap machine despite how daunting it sounds!.

Good luck for tonight and sending lots of hugs sitting with you all the way

[Former-Member]

Thank you for the lovely thoughts, image and support @Faith-and-Hope. @

Thank you @outlander for that beautiful bouquet of flowers. Lovely to come home to tonight after the fiasco. 

Update: 

Survived the day by using all the skills I possess, with numerous discomforts eg: could not use moisturiser after shower 'cos pads wont' stick. So dry skin feeling. Had to use more calmers than usual. Had to drive to pharmacy, flat mate was home so kindly accompanied me, so they had to get sorted. 

Waited my turn, only to be told 'sorry, the computerised system for the sleep study data is down, has been for 3 days. Hoped we could get it up and running in time for you tonight, but no luck. Sorry I didn't get to phone you today to let you know.'  They knew at 4.30pm it wasn't going to be fixed. 

So, when I made the appointment yesterday, the system was down, wasn't told to check before coming in then either. 

I feel like I'm in a conspiracy where everyone is colluding to push me through immerson therapy to overcome my anxiety, because 'it's not that bad you know, you'll enjoy it when you get out there'. *&^%!  (I know it isn't, but damn, it feels like it.)

Today's Lesson:
There is no point asking for help, SunShower. You should have learned that by now. The few times you've been honest and asked for help, it has not been forthcoming. Get that into your thick head. 

Betrayed, punished for asking for help, abandoned  ... I don't know how to manage this. 

I tied a knot in the end of my rope, so I could hold on a bit longer.