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Re: @Re: not feeling good

4A110EA2-2768-4945-8325-A5047909B649.jpeg

 

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Sunday afternoon at the beach. Only 5 min down the road. A loved played with her bucket and spade. And one seagull loved to hang around. 
@Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Maggie @Flying_Hams @Gazza75 @Ant7 @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Zoe7 and others 

Re: @Re: not feeling good

Beautiful @BlueBay  ❣️

Re: @Re: not feeling good

Sounds like a lovely trip to the beach with A @BlueBay Smiley Very Happy

Re: @Re: not feeling good

I'm angry. Why? Because I'm made to feel like it's my fault. I've cooked dinner tonight. I've organised dinner for tomorrow night. I washed up dishes. D helped but now took A to park. 
every single time there is no money left ($40) it's my fault. hubby going to get petrol znd it's supposedly my fault that there's no money. 
I am in a bad bad mood right now. I don't know if I want to scream or cry. Msybe both.  
why is it my fault. He came eith me this morning to the supermarket and he saw how much I spent. Or is he blind. 
I so want to self harm. I really want to. 
this anger is turning to self blame. 
what do I do. Self harm is the way to go. 
I've never ever had a day to myself. A whole day. Where someone else cooks for me. And then washes the dishes. I've never gone away on my own (not that I could snyway) but even eith a friend.  That's why hospital for me is my break. It's me time just for me. 
@Maggie @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Flying_Hams @Gazza75  @Shaz51  


Re: @Re: not feeling good

Hearing you @BlueBay ..... 

I can understand that when you need someone to care for you, hospital feels like it is the way to go, because even though they are paid staff, they are people looking after you.  

 

Do do you have a friend’s house you could go to for a cup of tea ?  It’s now about the cup of tea, it’s about someone making you the cup of tea, and offering you a chair, and caring about how you feel.

 

It’s why I go to coffee shops.  It’s why I book a neck massage when I can ..... 

 

You matter Hon.  keep telling us how it is.  Your friends here are listening, and we care.

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Re: @Re: not feeling good

Hearing you my sister @BlueBay , @Faith-and-Hope 

I am the one who has to do it here too , even though Mr shaz suggested something, it will sit there undone all day until I do it 

I like @Faith-and-Hope  idea to go have a cuppa somewhere, I should try to do that but I end up sitting outside with my cuppa xxx

Re: @Re: not feeling good

Thanks for the pic @Faith-and-Hope 

@maybe we could have a cuppa together sis @Shaz51 

my anger is not reducing yet. 

Re: @Re: not feeling good

Join me with a cuppa @BlueBay , I am on the front steps xxxx 

Big breath my sister, being angry does not help you xx

Pull out some weeds and throw them on the grass 

Re: @Re: not feeling good

Yeah sitting with you my friend @Shaz51  is so nice. ❤️

Re: @Re: not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I don't know how to respond but I have been thinking about it so I can let you know that much and think about what to say - cause I am puzzled

 

It's not your fault that things are the way they are - staying in the marriage that sounds miserable is your choice so you are responsible for that but the shortage of cash is Huffnpuff's issue - you already run the house and have a part-time job so my idea would be - and in the past actually was - so play a broken record - which means countering Huffnpuff's comments with the same comment - eg - as soon as he starts picking on you about the lack of cash say the same thing

 

Like - 

 

"We would have more money if you got a part time job. Don't start on me. I already have one and I run this house and know the state of our finances all the time"

 

And I know it's brutal - been there - done that - eventually it was all over and I am better for it.

 

But I live alone and I don't get a whole day out and have dinner cooked when I get home ever - I actually like this state of affairs but consider this - if you have a holiday on your own you have to deal with the whole lot yourself - as I do - you have to plan it, book it, pay for it, pack for it, get yourself to the airport, handled your luggage, book in, go though security, find your gate get on the plane and deal with your hand luggage. I have seen women with a partner get on and sit down and wait while her partner does all of this and I wonder about it and certainly prefer my independence. Maybe you would too - I think it would be far better than how you are living now.

 

Your life sounds horribly lonely actually - there doesn't seem to be any love or respect. No one seems to care for anyone else. People are scratchy and in a bad mood and I lived like that and hated it. 

 

I woke up one morning when I was in my early 30s and felt so disasatified that I was wasting my life just so other people could have theirs I started living for myself first and I don't think I loved my children any less but I was a better mother and the person who ran a sad marriage for as long as I could stand it. I would have gone under had I not done this.

 

It's really sad for me that you feel you have to self-harm, that you are always at fault and that you are so unhappy. I can't change anything for you. I can only say there is a better way. If you want life to be better you have to stop blaming yourself - you haven't done anything wrong at all - the abuse you suffered and your mother's lack of care for you were not your fault - you can't change any of that. You can only change the way you see things

 

It took me ages to think up a reply and I told you I would always tell you the truth - it's really hard being so honest because I know how unhappy you are. One thing you are really good at is communicating your feelings. I am listening all the time - a great pity Huffnpuff doesn't. But you can't change him either

 

Try and think better of  yourself - you deserve to feel better than you do. You are worth better than what you see of your yourself

 

And I really care - I really do

 

Dec

 

 

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