Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Cairns ,

Just checking in with you to see how things are. 

My recovery journey has not been easy one. Chronic suicidal ideation, depression, emptiness and void made me feel hopeless. Close friends and family tried to help they were simply not able to meet my needs. Therapy for BPD is very tricky if there are other factors involved such as drugs, alcohol, depression, insomnia etc. For therapy to work, these are the things need to be under control first. That is, not completely eradicated, but under control. Only then can pwBPD focus on recovery. For example, I could not focus on MBT unless my severe depression and insomnia have been seen to. This is where medication helped. Only then did I have the mental energy to focus on strategies and new ways of seeing and doing things.

I spent over 12 months in Spectrum's Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT), but the real work did not begin until towards the end of this 18 month program. It was as though my mind was saying, 'Time is nearly up. There needs to be change NOW or never.' Coupled with MBT, I spent periods of time in prevention and recovery centres (a month at a time). This helped immensely because I was co-living with people at various stages of their mental health journey. I could talk openly about my challenges, my aspirations (or lack thereof), my inadequecies etc. From this, I learnt to be open and honest about myself. Also, PARCs have strict guidelines as part of admission including no alcohol or drugs on the premises. Because this service is voluntary, it meant I had to be willing to abide by find these rules (or have immediate discharge). This helped me not act on my impulses and at the same time I could have the talking therapy I needed from staff on premises 24/7.

Hospital admissions were detrimental to my mental health, yet PARCs admissions aided my recovery. PwBPD need very specialised and targeted therapy over a long period of time. You cannot just take a tablet and be all better. Believe it or not, there are therapists out there who love working with borderlines. 

So yes, there IS hope for pwBPD. For carers, please don't give up on your loved ones. They will come back to thank you. For sufferers, just hang in there - things WILL shift. 

Families and Carers, on behalf of pwBPD, I thank you for your unending support.

BPDSurvivor

[Cairns]

Thankyou  @BPDSurvivor  it appears you have come to the other side. I have also been dealing with PTSD for a very long time, I think if you can live - you eventually learn to live with it. That’s my analogy on the way I feel I have come to accept the condition. I’m guessing as a woman most of the BPD starts in your teens then becomes more problematic as adult relationships come along. You could almost excuse this at the time girls are become women as not knowing better and learning as you go, but for a mature relationship when there is a level of expected accountability this makes it all but impossible to have any self-respect for yourself and being the punching bag of the relationship.

The further I go on from this brake up it feels like I’m living a root cause analysis on the how’s and whys this all occurred. I feel it became all to hard I set an expectation, that she waked past time and time again. I would then forgive the breach of trust and the relationship would move on like before. It seems that when I allowed my emotions to sink to the same level as here’s was when the problems occurred. I was beyond angry and my pain was greater than hers and, in her mind, this was simply not possible. In the last week’s I have checked on her and now the problems where all mine. She does not have a problem with drugs and alcohol, and this is just me projecting my problems on to her. The problem with substance abuse and living the lifestyle of denial is that you get very good at recognising the actions and behaviours to try and disguises this.

She told me once of a time in her mid-teens when she had spent time in hospital and was looking forward to going to a festival but was not discharged and was forced to spend additional time and missed this event. I asked her why it was so important, and the simple answer was that her friends would be there and there was going to be all the goodies along with it. I simply asked her why she had been in hospital in the first instance and it was due to an excess of goodies that had led to an episode causing her admission. This trait continues with a vengeance.

I know that her use of drugs is the slippery slope. The countless times she was abused was always in the presence of drugs, trying to get them or being stupefied because of them. Again, saying that her reliance on drugs was a problem was countered that men where the problem. The big merry go round would spin on at the same rate.

I’m not sure if this is a trait that has also surfaced a passive aggressiveness for all men. Madison had a defined bucket for each man but held all men with suspicion and the ultimate belief that they would hurt her in the end, which I think lead her to the notion that it was best to hurt them first. Madison knew the attraction of the BPD sexually to men, she also told me that she loved it when people would be derogatory during sex towards her, she also held unrealistic views of sex that where developed by an addiction to fantasies that where developed from watching violent porn. The only time I saw she was mildly confronted or understood the gravity of these fantasises when she put them into context with her younger sister which had happened in a booking with a client.

I think in the grieving sequence I’m back at the bargaining phase. I tried so hard to keep her away from Drugs and the moment that she relapsed I acted like an angry dog. I’m not sure if I had moderated my response to the situation I could have helped further, or again this in the broader context of her life is where she in the cycle of drugs and booze followed by abuse by men till the next big crash. @BPDSurvivor  I don’t expect to guess on your situation, but I would be interested to know if you also would become caught in a cycle that was seemingly never ending? What was the point when you became sick of being sick?

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Cairns, Peregrinefalcon here - one of the Forum moderators.

It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment. It is great that you are reaching out on the Forums and I can see you're getting good support from your peers here. 

If you feel you require additional support, I will post a couple of links just in case 🙂

Blueknot - specialists for working with complex trauma

https://www.blueknot.org.au/ 
1800 421 468

Lifeline - if you feel you are in a crisis

https://www.lifeline.org.au/

13 11 14

Take care

Peregrinefalcon

[Zanylady]

Hi BPD survivor,

i found your post helpful, full of hope and useful for me. I have a loved one recently diagnosed with BPD. We have a long struggle ahead of us as they are still in denial largely. I have so many fears for the future but your post did give me some hope so thanks for sharing your experience. 

[jfirej58]

Hi @Cairns , @Tortoiseshell , @Jynx , @BPDSurvivor 

sorry for such a late reply. i was reading your responses via the notification links i received, but failed to login properly to reply until today. 

first of all Thank you for your responses. 

@Cairns you have shed a great deal of insight. fortunately, in my girlfriend's case the most she does in terms of emotional pain management or relief is:-

1. write non-sensical things (like suicide notes) (this is the part which scares me often)

2. argue like a 5 year child who is yet to develop maturity-there is no rationality,

3. and perhaps have a drink or two rapidly to soothe herself (but it doesnt work ultimately),

4. throw things in anger, kicks doors or chairs etc. 

5. gets angry at her mother if there is the slightest bit of adverse discussion - i.e the mother might say clean your room and that will just send her over the edge and she will complain the entire day to me about her mother

A remarkable commonality i identified (as compared to your girlfriend, is that the sex fantasies are similar. She says an ex put those ideas in her mind when she was in her very early 20s. the sadist-masochist type thing). She says he did it this way with her and though she doesnt feel good about it, it is what turns her on. 

She says that she feels bad about herself after sex. We have not done much sex at all (less than 5 times) as she doesn't want to feel bad for weeks after and I too have struggled with desire due to fears of not causing her grief for what is a normal activity for me. I called her some derogatory name as a test (just once to see if it turns her on) and minutes later she was turned on. I avoid to use the sadist type foreplay as I don't want her to get sunk into more depression after the act.

She says the ex also accused her of being a narcissist. I have observed self-centered behavior in her, but not in a malicious manner, not planned narcissistic behavior. She seems to not have much capacity to stop, pause and think about the topic at hand, jumping to conclusions within 5 seconds-wanting to pick a fight over bening things like little kids. This is acceptable even in adults if its not frequent, but with her its guaranteed to happen instantaneously and every day. A mutual dialogue where opinion differs will just tip her mind in a second. A computer not starting sent her into a mini rage (if only she had checked the power cable was not connected), the computer started after it was given power and she did not mention it again that day.

She is very loyal as a girlfriend, very sweet often like a kid, but with this strange dysregulation. the moment something has to be discussed which she does not understand its draining.  One cannot even take 5 minutes to respond to a text message as the barrage of texts continues from her. "why are you ignoring me" "i feel unloved", "i just want my mother to love me", "f... this", and so on.

Another thing is she does not carry through on plans made, somehow there are excuses. Thinking for 15 minutes tires her out the same as if ordinary people had to think for an entire day.

Recently I suggested that why not use a mental health plan to aid better management of stress, we all pay enough tax and should use these services. But she's rejected that idea and turned it around on me that i am pushing her too much etc. 

[jfirej58]

I would also like to know how do i obtain "me time" regularly where  just do not interact with her for one day every two weeks, without creating the scenario of "rejection" being felt by her. because all of this is draining and almost seems like its going nowhere, and my own mind is spending too much time on calming her down. i want one day every two week where i can think and plan for things which personally give me satisfaction as an individual.

[Basil]

Hey @jfirej58,

It sounds like you're navagating some pretty tricky spaces with your partner. The sadist-masochist space you referred to can be practised in a mutal way, but if either partner are feeling a sense of grief or are uncomfortable, it sounds like something might not be feeling right and seeking help could be an important step to take. But I can hear that you are a very aware and caring partner and you do not want to be causing your partner more grief. It's wonderful that you are reaching out and connecting with other members to all share your own insights and experiences to relate to. It can be a really important part of your learning and coping and I encourage the discussion to continue. 

I just want to add a gentle reminder to make sure you're careful not to go into too much detail when discussing potentially triggering things and please keep the guidelines in mind when posting. 

Basil.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hello to @Zanylady @Cairns !

Dear @jfirej58 ,

It sure does sound like you are navigating through some pretty challenging situations. It is so good to know there are people like you who are willing to seek help for a person with BPD symptoms - it takes courage, strength, determination, and above all, patience. As I've mentioned in the past, you are dealing with and adult with the emotional being of a child. So yes, you are right when saying you feel like you are arguing with a five year old!

In terms of the mental health care plan, have you considered using this resource for yourself - as a carer? Carers need as much support as those they are caring for, if not, more.

I would also like to highlight the fact that you cannot save somebody from drowning if they themselves don't think they are drowning. You may try to help your girlfriend and seek help for her, but if she doesn't think she needs it, it is unlikely to work.

Have you ever questioned her and asked whether she is happy for things to continue as they are? If not, then something needs to change.

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

[Cairns]

@Zanylady @jfirej58 @BPDSurvivor 

Again, @BPDSurvivor your words you cannot help someone that wants to drown are only too real. I finally think that accepted that person will never be me. I know that with Madison things will only go one of two ways, the current cycle will continue until she finally over steps with drugs or a violent male partner, which sadly I think will be the logical conclusion. Or she gets to the point where she becomes uninvolved and eventual loves her self-enough to want to stop.

I know I have demons in my past, but getting over this has been near impossible for me. There is an absolute sense that I both failed as a partner but also as a career. And nothing that I can ever do will fix either one of those things that materialised at the end of our relationship.

@jfirej58 the sexual nature of both our partners is both the thing that attract and divides the relationship. In the early part of our relationship Madison was still working as a sex worker, she argued that it was the only occupation that she could do and it wasn’t about the sex it was just a job. However, as things went on, she told me once that I should feel special because she had just put of a regular to have sex with me, but would have to leave to meet this person latter. Another time she laughed that she was having a competition with an ex to see how many men she could have sex with on a trip back from another state.

I tried to explain the immense pain that this had caused me, on top of the continued sex work. Yet again the simple response was I’m young and I do what I want to do. Her previous boyfriend was also treated in a similar way, she thought it would be a good idea to start working while still involved with him. The fact that she hadn’t told him about her change of employment was counted with your brother abused me over drugs and it his fault that I’ve decided to do this.  

I was seeing a Psychologist late last year that tried to shock me out of the relationship, the truth be known I wish I had headed his advice, which he proceeded to show me. A simple google search provided a stunning amount of reviews and critiquing of her services what I thought was special in our intimate life together was available for $70 bucks. I tried to explain the gravity of this content and the implications of her friends and family finding out but the most damming thing seemed to be the fact that a reviewer had commented on her acne scars on her cheeks and that he found her hair to be greasy.

In all honesty I knew the moment that she left me it would be to return to sex work. Its not the only job she could do, however it is the job that affords her the ability to earn enough money to feed her booze and drug habits. I guess I’m very angry currently that Madison chose Drugs and Booze over me.