Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[ngreen21]

Hi there everyone!

I am new to this forum, I have joined as I would like some advice on how to deal with my mothers behaviour. I have a little bit of a story to tell so hopefully somebody would like to read through and offer me some help. I struggle to express how this makes me feel so I will try and give a few examples and not to be too awkward. I am unsure what my mother has been diagnosed with but I will explain her behaviour and how I am feeling about it. My mum is very anti-social, won't mix with people, doesn't keep friends for long and developes severe hostility toward her family and friends. She has cut off all contact with her entire family. Althought I am 28 years old, I can't tell her I visit my grandparents because she would cut off all contact with me. Unfortunately, her grandmother died two years ago and the next day mum told an elaborate story to my husbands father about how she was now a rich woman and asked him to help her organise a valuation on her grandmothers house. I was so embarassed. When my dad told her how upset we both were with this behaviour she didn't talk to me for a month. She won't mix with people at family events, tells lies and appreciates nothing that anybody does for her. My dad recently attended a friends birthday party when mum was visiting me interstate and when he told her she spat it, abused him, demanded he register her car before she get home and then phoned her friend and ranted delusional stories about my dad and then bad-mouthed me as well after I had pratically bent over backwards for her for 5 days. So the latest episode is what has prompted me to ask for advice. Although somewhat minor, I've had enough. My mum has had lots of health issues over the years, and she thinks it is completely appropriate to over-share and give detailed explainations about her conditions to everyone. At a family bbq recently she gave an elaborate medical story to a woman she had never met, and now yesterday she advises my father in law she has hemorrhoids. Excellent. Again I am left utterley mortified and just feel angry that she can't behave like a 55 year old woman. Every time I talk to her she seems disinterested in anything I say and only wants to talk about her health problems. So, should I just tell her she's inappropriate and childish? Is it bad that I dread talking to her and know my patience is running dry? And is it bad that I feel like the worst person in the world for feeling like this? Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated!

[Louise]

You are not alone! I have a sister in her late forties who is extremely anti-social and hostile. She was diagnosed with hypomania 18 years ago but has refused medication and hospitalisation. Thus we don't know what her condition actually is but I suspect it is Bipolar. Since my son has also been diagnosed with Bipolar, I have learnt that when he is manic he has very little idea how he is coming across to others. The way he feels can be completely different from the way he comes across. He reminds me of my sister somewhat, especially in his grimaces and sarcasm when he is manic. It may help to consider the possibility that your mother does not know how she is coming across. I wish you all the best in dealing with this situation

[Alessandra1992]

Well it is not surprising your patience wears thin, but, the classic but, her behaviour is not a reflection of who you are.
I think your family is pretty amazing because your mum is still being invited to family events..
I am not sure telling her she is childish or inappropriate will make any difference to her, other than offending her greatly.
So I am wondering if you might practice redirecting her conversation..so when she starts up on her ailments, redirect the conversation to something else, like what books, shows, comics, gardening, radio TalkBack..what has she been enjoying? Sometimes when people become isolated the art of chit chat falls away..and I am not suggesting light chit chat is key, just more so that you are diverting attention from ailments, to hopefully, more conversations that don't overwhelm you..
Please remind yourself though, you can't change anyone else, only ourselves...as your attitude changes though, so will hers...you can redirect..takes practice but worth it..

[Jo]

I agree with what others have said. One small thing to remember is that it is the illness itself that is talking and behaving like this, not your Mum. But while she is like this I honestly don't think there's a lot you can do about it. Usually what happens is that the behaviour escalates and worsens and causes a problem that requires a doctor, a hospital or the police. I know it's awful to think that this might occur but in fact, it would probably be the best thiing that could happen because your Mum would then be in professional hands. And once in professional hands, she would probably become a part of the mental health system. This is when suddenly you receive the type of help you've been denied up until now. Hope you understand I'm not being negative. I'm just saying how it is. Once in the system there's a better chance of her receiving counselling, professional aid and medication. So sorry you're going through this. I have been through it several times and know how you feel. It's awful.

[PixieLove]

I am dealing with that right this moment.  My Mother has had a meltdown because I blocked all of her attempts to manipulate and guilt me.  This sends her into a complete rage and she threatens to commit suicide.  I know she won't because it's her pattern but I have been hoping for a long time that she would do something so we can get her assessed and treated with the help she desperately needs because she only just said to me that there is nothing wrong with her.  A breath before threatening to commit suicide.  I am tired of holding up walls all the time.

[Jo]

I was wondering....when your mother is in a really bad way and threatening to take her life, have you ever thought of ringing the C.A.T. team at your local hospital to come out to the house? If you mention to them that she has threatened to take her life, they will often make an effort to get there asap. Even if you know that maybe she doesn't really mean it, it's a means by which to get someone professional to assess her and maybe they would suggest she be admitted to hospital. That would be the start of receiving ongoing professional help, instead of you and your family having to bear the load alone.Just a thought.

[BeHappy]

I can relate to @PixieLove.  Sometimes you need to step away and not let your families poor behaviour ruin things for yourself.  I've cut off contact with my mother for different periods.  I always get instant relief but then over time, because I'm not an unkind person, I let her back in.  And around and around we go.  

It's so hard to stick to these decisions.  Even if you've blocked them out, their voices are still in our heads.  I feel like I can hear her voice being mean to me.  And yet, I open the door again time and time again.

[PixieLove]

Yes that's me too. "And around and around we go". Love it!

[Aphrodite]

Hi @ngreen21- This story is sounding very similar to what I have been experiencing with a not one but two of my sisters.  A couple of the details differ in that they don't have health issues that they keep going on about.  I supported one of my sisters who was in an 18 year relationship with a man who  who was emotionally abusive to her - I felt it was at crisis point, and I did what I could to support her out of the relationship, and she left Melbourne and came to live with our mum and became her carer.  What no one realised is that she is mentally unstable.  She has been totally controlling, very hostile, and nasty to our 83 year old mum, and I challenged her one night when she was yelling at our mum to 'get out of bed' - earlier mum had said that she didn't feel too well.  Up to that point, I had listened to many angry, abusive comments made by my sister towards our mother in front of my 12 year old son - I felt controlled by her anger and kept my mouth shut, but this particular day, I challenged her and told her that she should leave our mother to be in bed, she argued, and I kept my voice normal continuing to stand up - next minute she went totally beserk, screaming, swearing, calling me disgusting names, at the top of her lungs outside for all the neighbourhood to hear - I already knew that she had lots of issues, but I was not prepared for what came - she is the second oldest sister, and the oldest sister has also done a very similar thing with me and said despicable things - I mean things that are out to destroy a person - a third sister commited suicide a few years ago, and when my oldest sister burst out into anger, she blamed me for her death, which was a completely irrational thing to say, it was rare that I even saw my sister who is no longer with us - I have put the anger outbursts down to jealousy of the relationship my mother and I have had - this sister lives on the other side of the nation and I do not have phone contact with her or even see her for years at a time - I honestly have never done anything to deserve what I have experienced - both these sisters are in their 60's and I am the youngest in the family at 52. I came on here looking to see if I could find anything about how you cope with the bad behaviour of someone living with mental illness - what do you do about it when it is totally unacceptable?  I honestly have come to the conclusion that I have to protect myself from both my sisters - I feel so compromised being around and the hurt I have felt has been crippling, and has caused my own mental health to decline - the result of the situation has been that I no longer feel I have anything more to give a relationship with either sister, and they have now banded together and I just stay away to protect myself.  So one of the similarities is that you say your mother is inappropriate - was she always like this.  One of the sisters I mentioned is also very very inappropriate, but in another way - she is very crude, including around children, and has no sense of boundaries socially - I get that this is very embarrasing as I too feel the same way, as well as angry when her inappropriateness is around my son though I am kept controlled to not confront her by her hostility - I am not allowed to say it is not ok.  She too, like your mother shows little interest when you try to converse with her, she lies, and she is extremely sensitive to the point where if she goes into a shop and the person in the shop doesn't smile enough or be friendly enough by engaging with her when she is over talking, over sharing and inappropriate, she becomes really resentful and angry towards the person.  I do believe these characteristics are evident of a very low self esteem, and I do know that my sister's mental health is not good. Anger and inability to maintain healthy relationships seem to be common characteristics of people suffering from depression.  I feel from what you have mentioned that telling your mum she is childish and inappropriate could be met with a very similar experience to mine.  All I can say is there may come a time where you will have to protect yourself from the effects of your mother's on you.  I certainly know that is the case for me, and the effects have become very detrimental to my health.  You can't change where your mother is at, but you can do something about how much you give of yourself.  I don't feel bad about not wanting to have much to do with either of my sisters, as sad as that has made me feel, but it has been absolutely necessary for me to protect myself. Just make sure you look after you - try being around your mother only when you feel strong enough to cope with where she is.  Just know, you are not alone with this struggle.

[Aphrodite]

Hi @ ngreen21- This story is sounding very similar to what I have been experiencing with a not one but two of my sisters.  They don't have health issues that they keep going on about, but the characteristics are similar.  I supported one of my sisters who was in an 18 year relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive to her - I felt it was at crisis point, and I did what I could to support her out of the relationship, and she left Melbourne and came to live with our mum and became her carer.  What no one realised is that she is mentally unstable.  She has been totally controlling, very hostile, and nasty to our 83 year old mum, and I challenged her one night when she was yelling at our mum to 'get out of bed' - earlier mum had said that she didn't feel too well.  Up to that point, I had listened to many angry, abusive comments made by my sister towards our mother in front of my 12 year old son - I felt controlled by her anger and kept my mouth shut, but this particular day, I challenged her and told her that she should leave our mother to be in bed, she argued, and I kept my voice normal continuing to stand up - next minute she went totally beserk, screaming, swearing, calling me disgusting names, at the top of her lungs outside for all the neighbourhood to hear - I already knew that she had lots of issues, but I was not prepared for what came - she is the second oldest sister, and the oldest sister has also done a very similar thing with me and said despicable things - I mean things that are out to destroy a person - a third sister commited suicide a few years ago, and when my oldest sister burst out into anger, she blamed me for her death, which was a completely irrational thing to say, it was rare that I even saw my sister who is no longer with us - I have put the anger outbursts down to jealousy of the relationship my mother and I have had - this sister lives on the other side of the nation and I do not have phone contact with her or even see her for years at a time - I honestly have never done anything to deserve what I have experienced - both these sisters are in their 60's and I am the youngest in the family at 52. I came on here looking to see if I could find anything about how you cope with the bad behaviour of someone living with mental illness - what do you do about it when it is totally unacceptable?  I honestly have come to the conclusion that I have to protect myself from both my sisters - I feel so compromised being around and the hurt I have felt has been crippling, and has caused my own mental health to decline - the result of the situation has been that I no longer feel I have anything more to give a relationship with either sister, and they have now banded together and I just stay away to protect myself.  So one of the similarities is that you say your mother is inappropriate - was she always like this.  One of the sisters I mentioned is also very very inappropriate, but in another way - she is very crude, including around children, and has no sense of boundaries socially - I get that this is very embarrasing as I too feel the same way, as well as angry when her inappropriateness is around my son though I am kept controlled to not confront her by her hostility - I am not allowed to say it is not ok.  She too, like your mother shows little interest when you try to converse with her, she lies, and she is extremely sensitive to the point where if she goes into a shop and the person in the shop doesn't smile enough or be friendly enough by engaging with her when she is over talking, over sharing and inappropriate, she becomes really resentful and angry towards the person.  I do believe these characteristics are evident of a very low self esteem, and I do know that my sister's mental health is not good. Anger and inability to maintain healthy relationships seem to be common characteristics of people suffering from depression.  I feel from what you have mentioned that telling your mum she is childish and inappropriate could be met with a very similar experience to mine.  All I can say is there may come a time where you will have to protect yourself from the effects of your mother's on you.  I certainly know that is the case for me, and the effects have become very detrimental to my health.  You can't change where your mother is at, but you can do something about how much you give of yourself.  I don't feel bad about not wanting to have much to do with either of my sisters, as sad as that has made me feel, but it has been absolutely necessary for me to protect myself. Just make sure you look after you - try being around your mother only when you feel strong enough to cope with where she is.  Just know, you are not alone with this struggle.