Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Babooshka1960]

My daughter (26) has been struggling with depression since she was a teenager and would not admit to having an issue. Said she didn’t want to be one of “those people”. She has always looked for external things to create her happiness….when I find the right boyfriend I’ll be happy…..when I move in with him…..when I travel…..when I buy a house…..when I move…..when when when. All these things have been done with us supporting her and nothing made her happy. We noticed scars up her arms and she said she had fallen through a window.....we didn't believe her and a year later I found a scalpel in her makeup bag. She moved interstate to make herself happy. Hated her job…spent all her time in bed and then started the dangerous behaviour…..nude housekeeping for money…..semi nude modelling……tinder meetings with anyone…..then she met a man as old as her father and he was a drug dealer. He offered her meth to lose weight and she took it them Wham……she just dropped away. Couldn’t concentrate at her job, stopped eating, thought her dad had put microphones in her ears to talk to her direct, thought we were in the roof with guns going to hurt her…thought there were people in the house she lived in when there weren’t. Thought I had sexually abused her when she was 18 months old, then no it was her dad….then no it was all of us except her brother and nan (none of which is true). We went to Melbourne and got her into treatment. .diagnosed with BPD with a psychotic breakdown. She lost her job. We got her into living with a friend till she could find a room. We paid all her debts. She started treatment and is taking it we hope. She is not in a shared house but bought this man with her because she cant live without him. Now because she is breaking her lease agreement for the second time (by having him in the house like last time) she will be kicked out again.
What can a parent do? Is it our fault as I keep reading its often a trauma in childhood. We scour our brains thinking and can’t think of anything. She’s 26 so do we just let her go and make more problems for herself….we are in a different state and she won’t come home. We are also going to her state in 3 months and because what her voices told her, she won't see us. 

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Babooshka1960

Gosh, I can only imagine how stressful this is. It's hard to know what to do when it seems there's a fine line between supporting and enabling. You sound like you've been really supportive and understanding of your daughter. I'm not really sure you can do much more. The thing is, until your daughter wants to change and get help, there's not much you can do to get her to address her issues - at the end of the day, she needs to take responsibility for herself. This is extremely challenging when there are mental health issues, and she night not be in the best frame of mind to make the best decisions for herself. Though, the mental health services cannot treating someone unless they are willing. The exception to this if they are at immediate risk of harming oneself or another. 

Is your daughter willing to get help? Does she have someone that she speaks to (a counsellor or psychologist)? If your daughter is unwilling to get support, it might be worth considering speaking to someone yourself. This is not to suggest that you are unwell, but it might be helpful to both relieve stress and gain some new perspective on how to approach your daughter. It also might be helpful to get to know more about BPD. @Brodie's post has a few resources and tips on BPD. 

There are a few courses like this one for people who care for/about peole with BPD. I didn't catch what state you were in though. 

Hope this is helps a bit. 

CherryBomb

[Mosaic]

Hi @Babooshka1960 welcome to the Forums!

I can only imagine the anguish your mothers heart enduring through all of this. It's sounds like you have been doing everything in your power to help and support her. Unfortunately sometimes things have to get worse before they get better, as that decision to turn things around must ultimately come from a place deep within her somewhere. I know you probably feel so helpless, but as a carers community - we recognise how hard it is everyday. Adding to Cherry's suggestions, you may find it helpful to link in with some other carers organisations such as Carers Australia, ARAFMI, or GROW. They offer a range of face-to-face support and assistance to families. I hope you find this Forum a place where you can connect with others facing similar circumstances. Take care.

[Babooshka1960]

Tonight she told me she thinks I have BPD. I don't . Is deflection common?

[GiveAndReceive]

What a really, really difficult situation to be in.  It is very natural to wonder if it is your fault is any way; whether you did anything that may have led to your daughter's illness. It is so normal to try to understand how it happened. I think guilt is something that bubbles away for most of us parents.

I don't think there is any genuine evidence that shows that a parent can 'cause' BPD.  I am sure that you can find internet pages that describe some link between early family trauma and mental illness. There are pages on the internet that say all sorts of things, and it is important to be able to rely on reputable sites, and be very suspicious of sites that simply report people's opinions and ideas.

From your post, you seem to be a very caring parent, and like all parents, I am sure that you have done some things that, in hindsight, you regret. I am sure that you have done many things right, and have done your best under very difficult circumstances.

I think it is important to be very kind to yourself, and take care of yourself. This helps you to have the energy you need to try to create a good life for your self, and have some extra energy to help your adult daughter, as best you can.

Oh, regarding your daughter saying you had BPD, people can say all sorts of things. It can be upsetting to hear them, especially if you are really trying to help your daughter. My lived experience is with bipolar, depression, adhd, drug usage.... so I am not sure how common your daughter's BPD behaviour is.