Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[deek]

So ive been with my husband for 10yrs and hes had anxiety and depression for over 12 years on and off meds.
Hes been through bad ups and downs these 10yrs .. tried so many meds but in the end each time didn't want to stay on the meds as he believes they make him worse.
So we have a 3 yr old daughter and I decided to go back to work full time so we both decided to move into my mother inlaws 4 months ago and this is where it started.
My husband started saying he felt like he was being followed posioned tracked there were cameras around , thinking he was on a game show. . That my daughter was apart of a company who was paying us off to play with his head.
At first i thought he was stressed out at work. He changed all his details phone , number bank details wanted to sell the car..
So we started arguing alot at his mums i said he needed to see a gp as he wasn't well he was angry and thought I was part of so plan for intervention. ..

I ended up leaving him for a week until he agreed to see a gp.. once he did a mental health exam they sent him straight into the mental health unit for a few days. Back on meds etc.. i came back to support him knowing we have a daughter and we moved out on our own again, he stop tabs again but still saying the same things... so we went to his physiatrist and his on meds again for 2 days now but refuses to stay on them for more than a month as he said he feels worse and hates them.

I don't know what to do anymore I cant handle this.. expecially that my 3yr old is in the mix.. so im sending him to stay at his mums as of next week but im not sure if I want him back.. am i being selfish and what else can people inform me on with this phycosis? Please help

[pip]

Hi deek. It sounds like a form of bipolar. It also sounds as though he's not being monitored. He's playing with the AD's making life impossible for both of you. You're going to have to be a bit firm with him and explain he needs to persevere with the AD's until he's responding. Any AD's take time to work into the system. Only taking them two or three days, then stopping is not a good way to be. Has he actually been diagnosed with a particular illness or haven't you been told? I suggest you try to explain he needs to see his psychiatrist or mental health advisor and tell them his problems. The AD's always seem to cause side-effects till you become accustomed. Sometimes the dose has to be changed, or amount adjusted. This 'guinea pig' stage can be uncomfortable and scary. As long as he follows Dr's orders and reports any and all side-effects, he will start responding and feeling better. It is a long drawn -out procedure, but it's necessary if you want your hubby to 'come back'.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @deek,

Sounds like it's been quite to the roller coster for you. I echoe what @pip said - its important that your hubby perseveres through the meds. Though, I'm gathering that you've had these conversations with your hubby over the last few years and have had the same result. Has he told you what he doesn't like about them? Its important that you lets the docs know about any side-effects that he's experiencing so they can adjust/change his meds. 

Apart from the issue of him staying on his meds, it seems this is taking its toll on you, and your family, in particular, your son. I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think you're setting boundaries to keep you and your son safe and well, as well as encouraging your hubby to stay well. From what you've written, it seems like you're willing to be around your husband when he's actively addressing his MI, but if he's not, then you're not wanting to expose your son to his behaviour. There's nothing wrong with this.

Ten years is a long time to being going through this. How have you managed the stress that comes along with this? I hope you are taking some time out to care for you to as I imagine having a three year old and an unwell husbanding would be tiring.

Take care,

CherryBomb

[deek]

Thank both of you. Well hes been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Thats what we know of but I have been firm to say that he needs meds etc... he will laugh and say he doesn't hes fine .

He believes now that I have said he needs meds and to stay at his mums till we sort through his illness for our family and little girl that he thinks outsiders have gotten into our heads.. that "these people " are trying to ruin his family.

I have a hard time communicating with him and say nothing now as i just get myself upset.
The biggest problem apart from his illness is not knowing if we have a future anymore.. my family always goes without as hes always leaving a job because he can't handle it anymore from other coworkers giving him a hard time.
He has attitude and refuses to understand that he might need meds for years if not long term. Hes already thinking 6 months max on tabs and I feel like im fighting for something that will never work.
I want a better life for our daughter and her seeing me upset or daddy not himself isnt right.
I can tell shes not herself and I don't want a 3yr old thinking why mummys crying.

Every year for Christmas and her birthday we have it tight . He either isnt well and cutting hours or has left work. I don't think hes fit enough to look after our 3yr old so full time work for myself is hard.

I don't want to be selfish and send him to his mums but ive been doing this since I was 17 sticking by him and i feel like my daughter needs to be first. Im 26 now and my husband is 32 and I can't make a grown man take meds if he refuses to do so.
And as hard as being a single mum will be i feel like I do most the work anyhow but leaving someone you love isn't easy... but this isn't a life for me or my daughter.

Hes been medicated for 12 years going off as he didn't feel himself and felt fine and didn't need it . So hes already given me the heads up that its the same deal.

[pip]

dekk. You're right in that you can't make a grown man do anything he doesn't want to. However, you can set certain boundaries in place for you and your daughter's well-being. You can let hubby know, if he wants a family long term, there are certain obligations expected. 1), Either he accepts he needs AD's long term and allows himself to be monitored. 2) He also accepts he either applies for permanent disability, or Newstart, in which case he may be advised to seek voluntary work. You have been caring for him for 10 years, give or take, you need a break too. If he refuses to accept your terms, you need to consider your options. I can't tell you what to do, that is something you have to figure. If you are earning too much for him to be on a benefit, you may have to relook at your situation. Perhaps now might be a good time to consult a lawyer for your rights. There are some lawyers who will give you 20 minutes free. Give him his options first and wait for response before you decide anything.

[Lost1]

I just wanted to reach out and say I know exactly how you feel......I have children and a husband with schizophrenia and bipolar who pretty much sounds like your husband. He too is always unable to hold jobs and pretty much thinks along the same lines as yours in regards to meds etc. Our whole family suffer and I know how hard it is to have to be the one to hold it all together. Hugs.

[deek]

Thank you lost one for the hugs xx
Do you ever regret staying?

[Lost1]

Hmm, do I regret staying......

There are days when it feels like hell will never cease and I do lean toward the feeling of regret. I regret what my children have seen or heard, regrets for a peaceful life I've lost, regrets of bothering in the first place and it is hard to get past the feelings and thoughts of 'I don't deserve this' or 'I can just walk away and never look back stopping the hell right now, why am I still here' BUT for some reason I keep going and push those aside. Just when I find things too hard to bare something will shine some light - we'll have a good day, he'll respond to his meds etc and I guess that keeps me hanging on.

But to be honest. yes, somewhere under all my hope and drive to keep going, somewhere under my exhaustion and my sadness there is a buried regret of staying, I think I'd be lying to say otherwise but I also know that while there is that hidden under everything there is also a lot of good hidden in spots too and that right now is slowly tipping the scale in the favour of staying.

Regret is a heavy feeling and usually one that also comes with guilt and sadness so please be easy on yourself....it's still a deep learning curve for me but I'm learning it is okay to feel/acknowledge the bad parts too.

[deek]

Its hard. For me ive been with this man since i was 17! Im now 26 and i don't know anything else. I feel bitter and hatred at time towards him... expecially when he laughs when i cry at the fact we go without.. having plans of another child this year our daughter is three now and all this happened i just don't know where i stand.. do love him anymore?
I want to run and start over with my daughter and it looks peaceful ... but the vision of these plans we made and the 10 years we have spent together makes me so confused .. nothing makes sense ! I wish he would just be content with our life work with me and enjoy our daughter. Be a happy man with his arms full of love from us... but hes not.

Hes a intelligent man.. worked in a law firm and hes a thinker. But his thinking effects me. Im worried about me staying and his ways effecting my daughter when she understands more . when she will ask for something and we have to say no because his interest is more important. 😢

[Lost1]

I understand where you are right now. Do you have much family or friemd support around you?