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Hello @Lost1 what an amazing and inspiring woman you are. Really I cannot begin to think what you must be going through but reading your post bought back some memories for me and while I can say I am better now it does all come back so quickly, but enough about that. Sometimes when we are in a relationship we often put up with more than we should and make excuses why this is one way or that is the other way, but it does over time become exhausting having to run the dialogue over and over in your mind and repeat it to yourself fifty freaking times before you have the courage to actually speak the words out loud - then for it not be received the way it was intended, that in itself is enough to drive anyone bonkers. Eight children to care for and your partner being unwell it is completly understandable why you feel the way you do. How do your children manage living with the illness? Are you able to get any alone time as in womens support groups, often the local council or community sector can offer some courses for people who live in these circumstances. I personally did a course some years ago which was about empowerment for women and it helped me greatly. Would it be possible for you to arrange an appointment with your partners doctor on your own to share your concerns about him ceasing his medication and mentioning the torture this is putting you through? Your partners condition is so cruel and while you know it is the disease that is making him behave the way he does it is little or no solace to you when you are constantly their verbal 'punching bag'. You need to look after yourself too. It takes incredibly devoted and special human beings to do what you are doing and all my thoughts, prayers and strength are with you at this difficult time. Take care of yourself 
With 8 children and a partner who is sometimes like a child ... you really do deserve some kind of support group. Carers Vic have helped me ... I am not sure if there is anything local .. but even one outing per month to start and try and build up to one per week to attend a support group is fair.
I was married to a man with schizophrenia for 16 years and it took its toll on my physical and emotional health and on the children. I have managed better as a single woman but it is still difficult ... but it is doable .. it was not possible within the marriage ... but all our situations are unique.
He might be able to cope with your regular absence if it is clear, in the community and may help the long term stability of his family and relationship with you ... keep talking and reaching out. if you find the right people it is acceptable and not even thaat unusual ....
You are remarkable to have survived thus far ,,, good luck with your beautiful brood.
Thank you so much for replying and you're kind words.....it means a lot and really helped me today to just feel 'heard'.
It's great to hear you've identified 'being heard' as something YOU valued that is important to help your well-being.
It's hard for me to get away for anytime by myself because my husband is quite attached to me and not being with me raises his anxiety levels and he gets stressed and then if his mental state is not under control he will think I'm trying to get away from him and he just falls like a heap. I'm his crutch I guess and that too for me is exhausting some days - in a way it's like another child when I really need a partner.
Our children are aware that Daddy isn't 'normal' so to speak but they don't seem to be too affected, (most are quite young).... 4 of them have issues including autism and ADHD so taking medications and outbursts etc are just a normal part of our life. I guess it's becoming harder for the teens (15 and 13) as they are starting to figure their own way in the world and they are seeing a stark contrast to other peoples families.....my husband is unable to hold a job for a decent length of time, we go slower as a family and it's a matter of pacing ourselves instead of being typical society stereotypes. We also know how hard our life can be so I'm thankful to be able to give the kids 'time outs' with them staying at their grandparents once a week....really helps give them breathing space.
There are two great booklets from COPMI you can order, which are family friendly and help parents to have safe & open conversations with their young children about mental illness.
Not sure what state you're in but AMAZE the ASD orgnaisation means you can access 6 free phone counselling sessions through them.
Respite and Time outs with grandparents is great! Are your parents people you can talk to for support too?
Sometimes our future seems so dark but then there will be a good day or a good enough day and I pull up my socks and carry on. I've been researching support groups in my area....I don't actually have a life outside of the home, no friends and certainly noone who knows much more than the fake smile I plaster on my face alongside the lipstick. I think I'm too scared to let anyone in anymore as it just isn't accepted.
I've found mindfulness helps me deal with the stressful and touch days of concern being a carer/
Re: Support
If you're in Victoria, try MIND. They do outreach carers support (so will come to your house/community instead of you travelling to a clinic etc.).
In the past, they have helped out with carer respite by taking out the loved one to have a coffee, visit the shops, so you can have some you/alone time for yourself to have a break.
Also, the anxiety recovery centre Victoria has free peer support groups where carers and consumers living with anxiety can meet and share as much or as little as they want, even just observe! you can go for you if you need to (and maybe that'll make your hubby want to attend to), as long as you want to exercise your power to say "I need help, this isn't working for me, its not sustainable and I feel stressed, like anyone else would in my situation." They have a helpline 1800 ANXIETY (Victoria and other states) that is staffed by trained volunteers who provide education, information, support and referral for people living with anxiety disorders or caring for adults, children, parents, partners etc with Anxiety Disorders.
WIRE (Women's Information Referral Exchange) are also pretty good too. For me, sometimes it just helps to chat it out so I can hold less stuff inside that weighs me down. It's nice to have a sounding board to feel values heard, respected, and see things in a different perspective with a fresh set of eyes.
