@Zoe7 @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Peri @Starta @BlueBay @Mumi
@KobeCat The link to the removed post on Thursday does not work, and I do not understand why it was removed or moved anyway. I do not recall anything being posted here which was inappropriate? I'm confused ... sorry.
I felt you all deserved an update, as its unfair of me to not respond to your many posts. You may have guessed that I am not doing so well right now. Well .. thats true. I hope this post will enlighten you somewhat.
Once again I find myself shutting down physically and emotionally and becoming more and more isolated. I'm doing a fantastic job of pushing away the only few people I still have in my life. Is this is a self protection thing, or more an issue of self destruction? I'm really not sure.
I'm retreating more and more into myself. It's as though I have no identity ... that I'm merely an observer, rather than a participator, in life. I don't feel confident to actively participate on the forums at present. And yet this is a place I've always felt comfortable, to talk and know I'm amongst friends. Now I cannot trust myself to say the right thing. I fear what will happen when I inevitable get it wrong. I don't even know where my words are coming from sometimes. I'm reactive, confused and not thinking clearly. I've completely lost confidence in myself and I feel worthless and horrible.
It's so hard being me sometimes and ... ohh how I wish I knew why I somehow manage to continually stuff things up. Why do I always get things so damned wrong? What the hell's wrong with me? Can I be fixed, is it worth trying, do I even want to be fixed? These are questions I don't know the answer to any more.
My psych tells me I need to open up more ... to talk about how I feel, to release emotions, to reach out to others ... and not just shut down when things get too difficult. She knows I use the forums ... it was she who originally recommended I join a forum. She thought being able to speak anonymously to others in a similar situation would be helpful. She was right about that, as I've been able to open up about all sorts of things here, to be honest and upfront about the way things are ... mostly. This is something I'd never have done in real life. She insists it's okay to be vulnerable ... that people will understand and respond in kind. But I'm not so sure, and I don't really want anyone to know all of what goes on in my troubled mind at times.
Intrusive thoughts are increasing lately, and they're particularly relentless at night and distressingly real. I often get this, along with the inevitable nightmares, as the anniversary of my main trauma approaches. If I'm feeling strong in the lead up, I can deal with this reasonably well. But this year has been a bad one, I don't feel that I have much resilience left. I've had a number of triggers in the immediate lead up, and it's been a particularly difficult year in number of respects. I'm left feeling extremely vulnerable, teetering on the verge. Likely in an effort to compensate/escape/avoid, I realise I've also begun to dissociate more.
My psych asked me last week if I've been dissociating much lately. She said I'd appeared to 'drift off' several times during our last session, and she was forced to gently bring me back to the here and now. I admitted I'd caught myself doing that a bit lately. She explained that it's a fairly common method of coping with stress, or when confronted with trauma.
I know I dissociated immediately after I was raped. I have a gap in my memory of maybe an hour or more, memories which I've never regained. The last I remember was that he was there and I was hurt and afraid ... then, sometime later .. he was gone, and it was dark. It's probably a good thing I don't know what occurred during that missing time. My psych said it's likely I'll never recall those missing hour/s, because our brain protects us from recalling things which are too painful to process.
I accept that dissociating can be a good coping method at the time of immense trauma, but I also understand that lapsing into a dissociative state now (when not physically threatened) is counterproductive. It doesn't solve anything .. it's a temporary reprieve, only allowing avoidance for a short time. But isn't it better to avoid things which you currently feel incapable of coping with, and then try to deal with them when you're feeling stronger?
For now I find myself increasingly drawn into my own, relatively secure, inner world. I feel like hibernating for a time, only willing to emerge when I feel it's safe to do so. But I keep being told this is not a good thing. I'm not sure how to do anything else though. This is just what I do when life becomes too difficult.
I had an appointment to see my psychologist next Wednesday, but yesterday morning I rang her receptionist and said I wouldn't be able to make it, and cancelled. Last night I got an email from my psych wanting to know why I had cancelled, and whether I was okay. I told her I didn't want to see her then because it was the day before anniversary date and I just wanted to shut down and hibernate for the next week or two. She agreed that it may be more productive and less triggering to move the apt forward a couple of weeks. So she has rescheduled my appointment for 14th March. She suggested I keep in touch via email in the meantime. She has contacted me again this evening, which is nice of her, but unneccessary.
I know you lovely people are here for me too, and that's incredibly reassuring. I've been advised to continue to engage here with you, the Sane community. This I know is good for me, so I will try my best to do so, as and when I can. I also promised my psych this evening that I would continue to reach out to others. But please forgive me some inconsistencies and likely absences over the coming week or two.
Meanwhile I thank all of you for your messages of support and concern over the past week. I will be okay, so please dont worry.
Sherry 🌺🤗💕
