Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

Thanks again @Owlunar I am certainly limiting who I talk to now - some things there is no coming back from and unfortunately some of those are members I have supported over many years - so it really hurt deeply at the time ....and still does. Your ongoing support does mean so much. 

We have one more day tomorrow before we break for the term. I felt I was not adding much to the team today which was deflating. I was also very tired and my back/neck really sore. For most of the day I filled envelopes with things we were sending home - I did all 4 classes so whilst that helped all my team members out it still felt I was not pulling my weight. No-one else thought that so maybe it was just my present state of mind that influenced my feelings. I have also had to wait to do my bit (Art and Craft) as it is reliant on what everyone else has done in their curriculum areas. ...also I have the HASS (History and Social Sciences) area and we are not teaching that until the second half of next term. Once I get the full outlines from everyone I can do the Art and Craft lessons and then will begin working on HASS in the holidays. We still do not know who or how many we will have and quite possibly won't actually know until day 1 for students. So much uncertainty but we need to plan for both online and classroom learning - the bonus is that with it all done we will have the whole term planned and that is a massive positive.

How are you today? Anything interesting in your day?

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs my second mum @Owlunar 

hope you are ok this weekend 

sending you lots of hugs xoxo

the last couple of days have been so big , glad today just to relax and did 2 loads of washing 

and then mr shaz says the house smells musty 

open the windows for a little while but it got toooo hot up here , so we have put the air con on 

Hello @Zoe7 , @BlueBay , @Maggie 

[BlueBay]

Thinking of you too @Owlunar ❤️

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7 

I'm sorry - I missed your post - in fact I don't often read my own thread - and like you - I am limited my posts - and we are doing so for different reasons and we are entitled to do so - so much of what is talked about here is really difficult stuff and I feel tired just thinking about it at them moment - I am really glad you are there.

I saw the above post when I was flicking through the forum last night - I was tired and not really able to think clearly but I did think about it this morning. I undertand why you are being careful and I applaud you for that - we really do have to care for ourselves and this is so important

Personally I am still bothered by the suicide issues - I think we need a trigger warning for people to use if they intend to mention that they are thinking about it in a deliberate way - it really triggers me and there was one on Friday or Saturday and I don't know who or the title of the thread or what the post was really about but I felt that I had enough on my plate with the current social issues and this time of year when my memores are tough. At least the last couple of years that has been less of an issue. I don't want to and don't need to spend a quarter of the year feeling bad about things I had no control over a long time ago.

I think many people who are feeling suicidal have no idea really about how hard it would be for the people in their circle to endure what a friend or family member will encounter if they lose someone to suicide - I have heard and read that they are in too much pain themselves to think of anyone else and this might be true - maybe they are unable to think of other people when they are in such a bad place and feel that they are whatever they say - but I find that hard and we have talked about this - it's why I have been around less and often stop posting in the middle of a thought sometimes recently

I noticed something else you have probably noticed too - true - supports are really good but sometimes we would like a person to actually post something - it would be good to know what people are thinking - 

Your support has meant a lot to me over many years now - it's amazing how triggers and misunderstandings can push us away - we can do our best to accomodate different people with different life issues but we always have to care for ourselves too - we are the person we must care for ourselves - and I care very much about you too - as well as myself

Lately I have been self-isolated like many people - I wonder which is harder - sharing our homes with other people - family true - but at home together all the time - or alone all the time and not able to get out much unless it's really necessary. I think I am okay but I have moments when I feel - yes - isolated - really alone - which isn't feeling lonely - 

I have spent just over a week doing a huge jigsaw - it's 2 feet by 3 feet and takes up more than half of the table I have in my other front room. I had to move my keyboard to the end of the table to have space but I can't play it there - otherwise things have been very quiet especally over Easter - the days have a sameness though I have had my domestic and shopping people in and I have my social contact this afternoon so I have no doubt I am better off that a lot of people - 

I hope you are okay down there in Tassie where it is colder but you do have Cat and Toby - I find the news about COVID-19 changes daily and the rules about children attending school or not vary from state to state so I hope you are okay with teaching or not - or teaching on-line - I know the art is very important to you and that would be a different experience on-line

I think of you often - I am still for you and know how painful interactions can be sometimes esp when there was nothing intended - sending hugs always

Dec

Yep Monday again and I hope you are teaching -

[nashy]

Hey @Owlunar about to flick you an e-mail, just looking for some insight based on some solid points in your post Will touch in soon!

[Owlunar]

Hi @Shaz51 

You've got weather hot enought to keep the house closed - I will miss my trip to the Sunshine Coast to see my grand-daughter this year - I have missed my autumn holiday - how many people are biting at the bit to get away to wherever - I have enjoyed my winter trips north and hope I can get one in a few months

The Lock-Down - the great 21st Century Lock-Down - is going to go down in history as the time when Australia saved the world by hoarding toilet paper - he he - yes 

I hear you - two loads of washing - and I take it you hung in outside - and Mr Shaz says the house smells musty - I know and you know that his saying it doesn't make it so but it must be difficult to hear especially when it is so hot - the A/C will help - I always leave a window slightly open on the other side of the house - it does make a difference I have found

It's gloomy in Melbourne today - and of course - it's Monday - I did two loads of washing late yesterday and I have the A/C on the heating cycle and I think most of the washing has dried - which is good - it rained a lot last night and I love hearing the rain on the roof at night

I have nearly finished my huge jigsaw puzzle - the pieces I have left are harder to place than the more defined objects when I started - when I have finished I will post it in the forum to be admired of course - I haven't done one of these for years

You are one harder worker Shaz - I hope you can take time for yourself to rest up a bit in the heat

Dec

[Zoe7]

@Owlunar I agree with everything you wrote 👍

I reported a post over the weekend for the content and stated it was triggering and I could not desl with it myself - much like you - it becomes too much and it is a consistent theme from a couple of people ...and whether it is a call for help or a real attempt it certainly does affect us. I can also say from personal experience that when I was in the same position I did think of other people but the pain I felt was so much greater than than those thoughts - wanted to stop that pain was greater than what I would leave behind - From my perspective it was never about those that would still be here because part of my thoughts was they would be better without me - and ultimately it was about not enduring that level of pain anymore.  I hope that gives you an idea of just how dark that hole is for the person wanting to end it. ...but I still agree with you - we need a trigger warning at the very least and removal of those posts quickly - as our guidelines state "we are not a crisis service".

I also agree that we would much prefer someone to post their views/opinions/own ideas rather than consistently just supporting posts. There are times when that is appropriate but also times when it is frustrating that we put effort into our words and recive nothing in return. That is why I have stuck to just a few threads and now only tag a few people because they are ones that interact/reply to posts. 

Great job on the jigsaw puzzle - that is a wonderful effort. I currently have my dining room table covered with things from my loungeroom under a plastic as I have been painting my loungeroom. I have one more coat to do on both the ceiling and walls then all the trims to paint. It has taken longer than expected - partly because I had some bubbling of paint on the ceiling as the new paint interacted with the old oil based paint. I have scraped, sanded and replasterd the area and now it is fine - thank goodness but it took a few days to do. I am going to finish the ceiling and walls today then I can start on the trims tonight and begin moving furniture back tomorrow. It has been a job I started nearly 4 years ago (before I got sick) so it is really satisfying to have it nearly done.

Self isolation for me is no issue - I do that anyway. I spend most of my time at home when I am not at work so I am more than happy to continue that in these times. I do miss my sister but I went for a visit last week. This week I am going to visit my parents (not sure what day but it will be after I have cleaned up the loungeroom and dining room). I have to do some shopping for Mum as there are some things in her local area she cannot get - so I have a good reason to visit. My parents are both elderly now also so doing a little shopping for them is much better (and safer) than either of them having to travel to do it themselves.

We are back to school next week but we do not know yet how many kids we will have. who will be on class, who will be working online or what it will all look like. Monday is a student free day to sort all that out. The principal is going to do most of thst so it is fair for eeryone. Our grade team works well together - and would have sorted it out fairly - but I know other teams were not as agreeable - so the principal took over for everyone ...that is fair enough but has left us not knowing.

It has been colder this week but I have not really felt it being inside all the time. I do want to get out into the garden before the end of the holidays but that will be determined by the weather. I am not going to work in the rain as that would not be good for me health-wise ...I am still susceptible to picking up things easily and getting wet and in the cold would no doubt be detrimental to my health.

Thank you for your ongoing support Dec - I am still very much feeling the pain and hurt and recent events have further added to that. But I will be okay - and it is people like you that restore my trust a little - something that I not only lost but questioned with everyone as a result of what has happened. So thank you for helping me restore that a little - that means the world to me 💕

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Zoe7 

You are right - we are not a crisis service - and whether someone is just venting or has intentions is not something for us to sort out - it's an incredibly difficult area for us to sort out the emotions - and I understand what you are saying about the pain

When I went through that dark time it was in the wake of my son's death and I could not spread that pain any further - I did think first of my daughter who was still a young teenager and even my parents and their lack of grace about the whole issue - I remember wanting the pain to stop but it was happening to a different person - not the person I know I am - and we are all different. For me I was just putting it off until another time which luckily worked out well for me.

I have a lot of insight from that time of my life - but it is incomplete - thanks for filling in the spaces - or some of them

Well done with all the painting - that was a huge project to undertake - not something I would ever have done. It must make a difference to a room when you have done such a lot of hard work to achieve it - and really hard physical work too. Great stuff - 

And my jigsaw - yes - I am really enjoying that and I have to keep out of that room atm because every time I see it I am trying to get the last few pieces in where they belong - I don't have time today to sit down and look at it - I have my social contact coming this afternoon

Like you I am okay about being alone - time does pass quickly - I miss the trip I am glad I didn't take in March - it was the bushfires that helped me make that decision - the main thing though is my medication - I was thinking about Cradle Mountain seriously - but it is isolated and if I was stuck there (or anywhere for that matter) my medication has to be authorised and I would most likely find it hard to get any doctor to write a script for me. And I love to travel and I was thinking about Canada but have think I would be better off keeping my money in 

Australia after all this lock-down - but we will fly again

It's great that you have a really necessary reason to see your parents - that is fantastic - for you and for them. And you are still up in the air about what you will be teaching next term - what happens will happen I am sure but not knowing can be a hassle - you have to think of  your health as well because the cold weather affects you more - which I understand because I have more pain when it's cold - and my unit gets very cold - I have the heater on when other people would not need to because it gets so cold in here - I understand - and I know you do your best in that area - which I do too

I understand how you must feel about recent events - I was thunderstruck myself - still finding it a puzzle and although I did read something at the time - it is easy to feel undermined when things like that happen and yes - we do question ourselves when such things happen.  Actually - it's very hard to question ourselves but it's a good thing that we do because those who need to question themselves often don't - it's one of those little twists of life I have noticed for many years

But I think you do well Zoe and you are important to me

Dec

[Zoe7]

You are important to me too @Owlunar We have been though a lot together of the years and that means something to me.  I have always felt your support and appreciate your honesty, care and the time you take to respond. I have had to withdraw from supporting a lot of people because they showed their true colours - connections I valued have been lost and whilst that saddens me it is not my issue anymore. I also choose not to engage in repetitve, ongoing and negative interactions that further enable patterns of behaviour that are detrimental to all involved. We need to surround ourselves with people we trust, value, appreciate and are supportive - both in the forum and in life - and reduce the impact of ongoing and consistent negativity from those that do not want to help themselves. We can only do what we can do and we cannot change anyone else's circumstances - that has to be an individual choice - and when that is consistently not evident - or worse not even attempted - then we need to distance ourselves for our own well being. Whilst I miss my sister when I don't see her regularly I also often need to take a step back when she is constantly complaining about her partner or work. It feels like every conversation is the same and the only one that can change her circumstnces is her and that support does not always go both ways ...mainly because I don't feel there is any point talking to her because she doesn't really listen - and unfortunately that is the case at times here also ...and enabling that behaviour is detrimental to all involved

I know you were looking forward to getting away and that visiting your cousins in Canada was on your wish list. I do hope tht things changed and that you can still do tht in the future - but I also hear you about your pain and medications - that is a difficulty you have to find a way around to be able to do that trip so I hope you find a way.

Being at home without a lot of school work to do for these holidays has allowed me time to do the loungeroom and take time out for myself. I know this remaining week will go quickly (it usually does) but I am determined to get the loungeroom sorted and then clean up the rest of the house. That will make it just that little bit nicer to come home to each day.

Tobes also needs a bath because he has been playing in the plaster dust - rolling around on the floor actually clens it for me though lol He is a great supervisor and a handy mop to clean up 

[Shaz51]

I agree with everything you wrote too @Owlunar 

and well done with your jigsaw puzzle 

i was thinking yesterday that i should try to do my 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle again on the verandra table 

yes had to catch up with our`s and mum`s washing and the sheets had to be done as on saturday we accidently damaged a customers item and we drove everywhere to replace it 

could not get our blower fixed as it would of cost more than buying a new one 

today is still hot , but only going to do 2 small jobs and mr shaz had a nap befor lunch , catching up to him i think 

Hello @Zoe7 , @BlueBay