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Senior Contributor


I'll see what else I can find @utopia


I never know until I look



Senior Contributor


cockatoo melt down.pngOuta my way - I am going out to smoke on the road



Hi @utopia

I’ve been thinking of you since you wrote you were going back to hospital. I’m struggling myself atm but wanted to say hi and that I have been hoping you are ok. Pls take care ❤️❤️

Senior Contributor


So  Sunday in hospital.  No programs no groups nothing. Most people get leave and go home or shopping, to the movies or out to eat.

There are only a few of us who have no leave - but a lot of them get visitors. Not me. So weekends and Sunday seem to last a whole week.

Afternoon shift came on at 3pm. At 4pm I asked my nurse for a 15 minute smoko pass. He goes to the computer,  looks up my name and said you've already had your 2 full hours of leave for today.  So no more until tomorrow! !!!!!!!


I said no way. I'm a smoker with leave to go out to the designated piece of f***ing concrete out near the road. We aren't allowed to smoke after 8pm. And you're now telling me that I can't smoke until 7.30 tomorrow morning. I said either you knock me out cold with drugs that will help me sleep right through til tomorrow morning - or you let me smoke. I do everything I'm told in here. I don't break the rules. I'm polite. I attend my appointments and take my meds all without complaint.  But if you don't allow me to go and have my 15 minute smoko break - the sh*t will hit the fan.

I'm getting really angry and crying and shaking. 

My nurse who I've had most nights and who I like, said he will contact my psychiatrist. 

My psychiatrist came back with a no. It will help her quit. WTF!! I'm not here to quite tobacco. I'm not in the drug and alcohol withdrawal unit.  I tell my nurse I'm about to go f***ing besurk. He tells me that he spoke to management after getting no where with my psychiatrist.  And management have approved me one 15 minute smoko break. So my nurse says take it now.

I come back from smoke - well within the time frame and I ask for a calming PRN. He says he tried my psych again - but it's a definite no. 

So it's now 5.29pm on Sunday. And I have to go 14 hours and 1 minute without a cigarette.

I smoke a lot at home. A oacket that normally lasts 2 days - has lasted 4.

I'm lying in my bed. Can't have a big old cry because I'm in a shared room. Calming med has not calmed me down.

And they keep saying it's for my safety!! I said I have never gone anywhere but the exact smoko concrete they say. I'm never late back. I have been honest with them as I always am about still having suicidal plans - I've also been very honest about what my plan is and that I can't do it in Melbourne anyway. I don't lie to them. Never have during any stay. And I keep telling them - I only want to go to the smokers area as I don't feel comfortable anywhere else.

But you know - guess they can't trust what a mental patient says - especially one who is suicidal. Because some mental patients lie.

I never have.  My psychiatrist and psychologist know my full plan - just not the exact location. They know I tell them when I'm feeling unsafe or suicidal. Like I did with my psychiatrist 3 days before my attempt.  Guess he didn't hear me . And like I told my psychologist 2 weeks early.

They better let me have at least 2 more cigarette breaks - or I'll break the rules and go out anyway.

It's not up to my fricking psychiatrist to reduce or get me to quit smokes.

Rant over - for the time being - but I don't think it will be over for the night.

Stay tuned to see if 'Utopia' gets kicked out of hospital.  Lol

Senior Contributor


That is the best 'story' I have heard for a while @utopia - I know it shouldn't have but it made me laugh ...I do feel for you - I really do but you also have such a wonderful way of telling a story that it hit my funny bones lol

Next chapter will be the great Utopia chase through Melbourne if they don't let you have anoth smoke break tonight LOL


Hi @utopia, as a fellow smoker, I hear you loud and clear. It is so disappointing that hospitals of all kinds (for mental and physical illness), are so regimented and disempowering of the 'patient'. Hope the time until morning goes quickly. Will probably be around on and off over the night if you want an ear for a rant. Hugs. Heart

Senior Contributor


@Zoe7@Mazarita. Tried to reply to your message hours ago - but my phone went flat when I tried to send it. And I couldn't have my ph charged because ut was outside the designated f***ing hours when you can hand them in and pick them up. I need a phone plug and charger no longer than 15cm. But I can't go to the shops to buy one because I'm on suicide watch at not allowed down the street to buy it. And no, of course the hospital doesn't have any to supply or sell.

I packed my bag in 5 minutes - half of my clothes were dirty. I packed my washing powder.  Even made sure I had enough coins for 2 loads of washing.  But guess what? All new washing machines and dryers and you no longer have to pay $3 a load. Problem is it automatically dispenses it's own washing powder and I'm extremely sensitive to chemicals in almost every brand of washing powder.

For 4 days I've asked, how can I do my washing with my washing powder. So far nobody knows. Although I did get two really stupid f***ing suggestions.  Go down to the laundry mat. WTF!!! I have no leave you stupid ifiotic pikes of animal dung. Other suggest was to get my family to do my washing and then bring it back. They can pick it up in the morning and drop it off all clean amd folded. I explained where I live. Blank face.  Obviously failed geography. So I explained it's a 6 hour round trip. And the main point - I won't be getting any visitors. 

So no f***ing solution from the Brilliant minds.

F***ing idiots


Senior Contributor



But what I was going to say before my battery went dead - was I sneaked out at had a cigarette at 6.40pm and then again at 7.45pm. You need a pass to show the receptionist when you walk pass. So I quickly ripped a corner of paper off of one of their 'do not enter' signs. Flashed the blank piece of paper at her both times and got out for 2 heavenly cigarettes.

Tomorrow I'm expecting a big show down with my psychiatrist, the gp here who wants me to go onto blood thinners - otherwise she will send me to oubluc hospital ED. Because the ladies yesterday would not listen to me when I told them I have white coat syndrome and my bp goes up real high. So I either go on meds or leave this hospital. So bloody nice if them.

One nurse never heard of white coat syndrome, even when I explained how it worked,  she didn't believe me.

My nurse thus morning also has white coat syndrome. We spoke about other things and I got a perfect score. Then she mentioned my blood pressure and we watched the reading go up super high.

She agreed my bp is good and healthy.

So tomorrow I fight for the right to increase my smoke leave. Fight to get my washing done in my washing powder. Fight to get a 15f***ing cm ph charger by asking someone to buy it from the shops for me and hoping they are trustworthy and don't run off with my money. No nursed can't help. And NO!!!! I don't have any f***ing family or friends visiting from 3 hours away who could bring it. Shit you couldn't even buy that where I live. People buy normal phone charges where yiu can plug yiur phone in and still use it at the same time. Amazing technology.

So I'm feeling really shit and bitter. Looked in the mirror and my eyes look just like my Picasso painting I did of me yesterday. Red rimmed and blood shot eyes. I just went up to night nurse and asked for both PRN's. She said, I think you'd be better taking 2 sleeping tablets - since yiuve been having trouble sleeping at night. I said, I agree, and I've tokd my psychiatrit the ine tablet gives me one cycke if sleep. Then I'm wide awake. But he insists on one tablet only, I told her. So I'll have the one lowest dose possible sleeping tablet and the one lowest dose ever of the calming tablet.

Anyway. Time to go to bed. Am already down to 51% battery left.

Yay, life doesn't half suck. NOT


❤️ @utopia ......


Hugs @utopia ❤️❤️❤️

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