Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Inhope]

Hi, i know i am not the only one who feels this way..alone in a relationship.

Partner (of 2 yrs)has been diagnoised with schizophrenia, he has had 3 "episodes" in the last year, each one getting progressively worse. The paranoid delusions at the start seemed reasonalble but then became more unbelieveable to verging on insanity. It was during the middle of a week, when he admitted he was using ice. I couldnt believe it....like what?? he is a cop, he should know better.

i knew he had seen alot over the 25yrs on the force, i had heard alot of stories. They have no form of debriefing or counselling, just one job after the other, suck it up and move on...so i feel he has ptsd

he has been hospitalised 3x which was a relief, it meant i was able to sleep, not having to watch wondering what was going to happen next

speaking to the nurses they told me i would be surprised if i knew the extent of the problem, that so many professionals are "functional users", from doctors, lawyers, emergency services, surgeons, pilots! and have been for many years.

Anyway i was going to leave him during his last episode/stay in hospital. But he begged me not to, that he wouldnt do it again. i told him how he had hurt me, everyone and that if he ever did it again he was gone, and never again, that 3x was more than anyone should have to go thru.

He lost his rights to see his children and will not be returned to work till cleared mentally fit. Which in my opinion will never happen, he has damaged his reputation with all that happened.\ and there are too many stressors there

i spoke to drs, read different articles and it will take a long time before he is well again and it would be a long, hard road. To be honest i dont know what well for him would be or what his "normal" is.

So here i am wondering if i made the right choice.....which sounds so bad.  I am so tired, my sons lived thru all the episodes, guilt i have to live with, for not earning enough to get us out, to have moved us here in the first place, to have not seen it and i hate myself for failing them.

He is so distant and sleeps his days away, no motivation. i try to include him in decisions, but now just make them myself as it is easier and is instant. We barely talk, there is very little intimacy, (if any) maybe a kiss or a cpl of hugs on a good day. i figure i am alone in this and just have to do it for my boys and he just happens to be in the same house. I feel the need to tip toe around things, perhaps a learnt behaviour? Some days i can barely string sentence together. I look at him and see how he has aged so much....and know there is nothing i can do for him.

we say we love eachother, and i wonder if that is just something that is said with no real meaning anymore, we are just a means to an end for eachother.

i appologise for rambling on, i know there are so many out there suffering alot more than me.

[pip]

@Inhope. I guess you need to mentally stand back and see exactly what your feelings are for him. You also need to study what all this upheaval is doing to your sons. Educating children on the dangers of drug/alcohol abuse is hard enough without them living with it. Perhaps for the sake and safety of you and the children, it might be best if you remove yourself from the situation. I would tell him you can't sit back and watch him destroy himself, anymore and you and the children find somewhere else to stay. Habitual drug/alcohol users often destroy everything around them till they realize everything they love has gone. Whether you and he still love each other is no longer an issue, you and your children are the consideration now. If he wants to destroy himself, that's his choice. I realize how hard it is for you, but staying with him is no longer a safety option.

[Alwaysonmymind]

Hello @Inhope I hear so much desperation in your post and also an enormous amount of self defeating dialogue and wonder why after all of what you have endured with your husband you would want to put yourself down. I totally agree with @pip in that if your husband wants to keep going down the road he is travelling then that is his choice not yours or your childrens. Feeling like you have failed does not make you a failure, children are so so forgiving and without them saying to you what they acknowledge they are more than aware what you are going through.  You all deserve a peaceful enviornment and need to consider how to make this happen sooner than later. Sometimes people do not realise what they have lost until it is no longer there.  I have no doubt there is an amount of committment you feel towards him, but you cannot help him now, only he can help himself.  I hope these forums give you some direction in the right way forward and I wish you and your children all the very best.  

[Lost1]

Sorry to hear what you are going through, it is very difficult. I offer understanding and support 🙂

[Janna]

Hi 😊

You have my empathy in the difficult situation that you are in. Despite his diagnosis of schizophrenia you also suggest that he has PTSD as a result of being in the force. PTSD can be exceptionally debilitating, but the one good thing about it is that it is very responsive to psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy (if required), although the journey to healing is a long and difficult one.Trauma has a devastating effect on an individual - be it a one off event, or a combination of many events. It requires a lot of deep emotional work and is not for the fainthearted. I have Complex PTSD and have a lot of compassion for anyone who's lives have been profoundly affected by traumatic events. Unfortunately trauma has the ability to physically injure our brain. Research in the field of neuroscience can now see these changes and our understanding of PTSD has subsequently increased. I like to look upon PTSD as a disabling injury, rather than a disabling disease. I also believe that PTSD can present itself as many other mental health disorders - including depression, anxiety, bipolar, and even schizophrenia, etc.

It is really important that you provide your husband's condition with understanding and realise that he does not want to do what he does and does not intentionally mean to hurt you with his behaviour. He is struggling tremendously within himself but is unable to control it. He really does not have a choice because his behaviour is coming out of a mind that is injured and also possibly diseased. There are documented studies that have looked at the overlap between schizophrenia, psychotic episodes and PTSD that have basically concluded that it is possible for PTSD to present with psychotic subtypes and that this could be attributed to genetic factors or whatever.  His drug use is very typical of someone suffering with PTSD because they are looking for ways to numb the pain of their experiences.

Many individuals affected with mental health illnesses hurt those closest to them, but you need to remember that he is not well. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but perhaps extends your threshold of tolerance. I would highly recommend that you engage in therapy for yourself. Not only can therapy address your issues and potentially give you some better coping strategies, it will also be able to work into the context of your husband and his disorder. If you develop a good rapport with your therapist their support during these difficulties will be invaluable.  You have a difficult road ahead of you and support is imperative.  I'm not suggesting that you remain in this situation if it is untennable or unsafe, but rather I am just trying to open your mind to understanding the other side a little better  before you make any life altering decisions.

I understand that this must be a very difficult and challenging time.  My heart goes out to you.  Please make sure that you are getting some self-care as this will help you stay sane during these difficult times. 

Janna ❤️

[pip]

@Janna. While I agree with you to a point regarding the issue of Inhope's hubby's schizophrenia/PTSD. There is also the added issue of continuing drug abuse. Inhope has children who need to know they're safe. Her hubby is the one who needs help to overcome his MI, she and children have the right to know they're safe. Therapy, I agree is a good idea for her, to give her some options. Understanding MI whether it's PTSD/schizophrenia/anxiety/depression is next to impossible both for the sufferer and family of sufferer. MI is complex and the sufferer often has low/no tolerance of people trying to help or understand them. Long term effects of ice users in particular have shown the gradual breakdown of ordinary communication. That coupled with the other issues, mean that Inhope's hubby possibly does not recognize he has a problem, instead blames her and the children. I don't know how informed you are about the use of ice, but it is highly toxic and causes more volatile behaviour than most other dangerous illegal substances. In an ice induced mental state there is no telling what he would be capable of. I agree Inhope's hubby is not well, but she needs to know she and those children are safe. Their safety is the same importance as her hubby's mental state. Until he admits to and gets help, she risks possible assault from him in an ice induced rage.

[Janna]

Hi @pip

My understanding, based on the original post was that the children were safe and protected according to "He lost his rights to see his children". Based on this I framed my response accordingly within the context of how I interpreted the post. I assumed that he does not have contact with the children. I'm not fully up to speed with the effects of ice, other than knowing that it is extremely addictive and can affect behaviour profoundly (particularly violent rages). I also didn't pick up on "continued" drug abuse as opposed to an admission that he was using ??? in the past.

I think this is just a case of different interpretations of the post. I assumed (right or wrong) that he is estranged from the children and that the ice use was something that occured before, but is not current.

Perhaps we need a little further clarification from @Inhope as to exactly what the current situation is.

You've made some very valid points which clearly would be a priority if the children and his drug use are the way you think.

Hopefully @Inhope will fill us in.  

Janna ❤️

[pip]

@Janna. Inhope was talking about her children who live with them. As far as the drug use, unless he is no longer using (hopefully). There is a strong possibility that he could resume drug abuse unless he is receiving help for the addiction. With the issue of MI however, PTSD/schizophrenia combined can be pretty scary. People who suffer PTSD often become violent through vivid memories which can be pretty full-on. The recall of the episode which caused the PTSD can be as violent as the actual act. Even without the drug abuse, PTSD/schizophrenia can be really extreme and if he is not taking his AD's plus 'going with' the voices schizophrenic's, can also become violent. Schizophrenic sufferers, often believe that they're being followed, they also frequently believe they're being contacted by media and asked to spy on family/friends. They can often 'hear' voices telling them to defend themselves against 'enemies' out to hurt them. They will attack rather than be attacked I'm not for one minute suggesting Inhope's hubby has this problem, but I'm saying if there is this fear, she needs to be aware where she can get help.

[NikNik]

Thanks so much @Alwaysonmymind @Lost1 @Janna & @pip for all of your input and the time, value and good intentions you have all put into your responses.

What is wonderful about this forum is that we all have different views and perspectives from our own experiences. It's hoped by giving each other this variety, we can feel less alone, feel supported and get different perspectives.

There's no right or wrong responses here.

Take care 

[Janna]

Hi @pip

I'm fully aware of the dangers inherent in psychosis and schizophrenia, having myself been exposed to a disordered husband who believed he was at the epicentre of conspiracy to bring him down that I was the orchestrator of.  He alsp believed that I was trying to murder him and had locks placed on the bedroom door to protect him, saw knives I was using in food preparation as being weapons that could harm him, and would not converse with me unless all potential weapons were placed into a drawer or the like.  I fully understand how serious this can be and I ultimately left him for the sake and safety of myself and my children.  I by no means advocate staying in an unsafe environment.  What I see, and what I believe you are saying, is that she needs to be aware and have a safety plan established should her husband become threatening to her, or her children's, safety - be it psychologically or physically.  That is a great idea and I hope that she can establish one asap to protect herself and the children.  It is very easy to minimise this sort of behaviour and not see the seriousness of it.  I hope @Inhope is hearing our concerns in that regard.  Thanks @pip for raising some really important concerns.

Janna ❤️