Lived Experience Forum

[Catt25]

I sit on a bus traveling back to my hometown, I know I'm in for a long trip, I feel like I want to get off the bus, but I use my distraction methods. The last few days I've been rather nervous about traveling home I don't always get along with family, but I remind myself that it's only going to be for a few days. 

I get to a transit station, and I receive a funny text from a family member I've forgotten how funny family can be, and I relax. 

Later I get on another bus, and I fidget with a hair tie, and realise that if this is what helps me keep calm then that's ok. I feel my emotions swell up as I think about the possibility of having autism, but I realise I need to accept this is where I'm at and that's ok. I reach an important conclusion, close family don't need to learn of this until I get a definate diagnosis, right now it's just a lot of testing and speculation, though frankly the long dragged out process is a bit much but I'm close to getting some answers.

Anyways fast forward, I reach my destination and a relative picks me up from the station. I dig into dinner as we drive off, takeaway pizza, YUM. 

Fast forward again!

I visit my Nana, the one person I feel it's important to see at the moment. My Aunt and Uncle are there too as well as Cousins. I see Nana is smiling it's great to see, and the day was wonderful. I return home, fall asleep and wait for my relative to return from work.

Got a remote, press fast forward!

A few hours later, inappropriate comments are made, I feel the emotions come up, I try to calm down I don't particularly want to cry, but I'm not good with emotion regulation. 

The lack of sensitivity shown, makes me realise, autism or not, I'll never be able to tell my family, until some respect is demonstrated, until they can learn to accept the uniqueness of my flaws.

I reflect on this and realise, the situation didn't match the intensity of the reaction of my family. Then I realise the intensity of my own reactions don't often match the situations. We sometimes forget we learn so many habits from out family's and it can take time to recognise when your mirroring the same pattern of your family, but I'm not a mirror, I've already broken so many patterns, and I'll keep working on my emotional reactions. 

[Maggie]

@Catt25  I think I just had coffee with you on another thread, but wanted to let you know I’m hearing you, even though I have very little to say at the moment. 💙💙

[Catt25]

@Maggie  thanks for the support, sometimes I want family to so badly understand and react differently, but you can't change your family. You just have to accept them, and that's hard when there is a lack of sensitivity demonstrated. I guess you just have to remember their reactions are due to their own struggles, and not really to do with the actual situation in front of you, but learning not to take it personally isn't easy, I suppose if you take it personally your feeling hurt, and not taking it personally starts with your own reactions to situations. 

[Maggie]

@Catt25  It’s so hard not to take things personally. But you are right, their reactions are due to their own struggles. It makes it hard to get the support you need from them, when you need it.

You sound like a deep thinker. Your last sentence said so much.

[Catt25]

@Maggie

Yeah and as a result I tend to rely more so on close friends for support than family. 

[destructive]

Hi @Catt25
I just wanted to say I can relate to family that wouldn’t/don’t understand. Glad you have good friends that do and realise you can break the mirror.