Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Not free yet @Corny ..... he has left some land mines which can still potentially cause disaster, but I am working hard to try to defuse them, and yes, hoping for a future as free of him as is possible with the cubs in the mix.

[Corny]

OMG @Faith-and-Hope I bet he has. He wouldn't have it any other way, his ego and sense of self doesn't allow for any other outcome, he has to come out on top at all costs, and make you pay.

It's 11 years next month since my abusive father died and his lies are still being revealed all this time later,......the expression 'a double life' doesn't capture it. It was purposeful, and deliberate. I really hope that in the next few years it is sorted out, Corny 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks so much @Corny ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Serezza ..... 👋💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

I was discarded @Serezza , but it was probably the safest outcome for my situation because there are adult kids involved who would not have, or could not have, left with me if I had enacted 'the discard' before I did.  To be honest with you, I still didn't even see it coming because I didn't know what NPD was and still believed the mask to be him, but him affected badly by his addictions.

Discard night was something else again.  He turned up to a venue he had chosen - one that was highly sentimental to us as a couple, to me personally, and to our kids, of course ..... it's harder to sully something that wasn't special to begin with, and sullying everything is what NPD's are all about.  Anyway, he turned up and dropped the mask.  He looked like the husband I had known, and his voice sounded the same, but his body language, mannerisms, and the garbage coming out of his mouth that turned the past thirty-something years of marriage into a lie was unbelievable ...... but everything suddenly made perfect sense, and one one level, the most important level, I was suddenly free.  I was no longer responsible in any way for that poor creature who is locked into cycles of destruction.  I am responsible for dealing with the carnage though ..... and we are still not out of the woods nearly two years later.

Every step I take is further away from him though.  Every cord I cut is the partway to freedom from his abuse.  And yes, there was someone else ..... which was just as unbelievable within our context, because he had raged against his father having done exactly this to his mother many years ago, and had projected to everyone we knew, including his own family, that he was a pillar of moral strength .....  he has truly blown up his life with us, and has moved to our former overseas family home with 'her', with her (surprise - there were kids !!) teenaged kids, sullying all of that space and memories too .....

But he still has full control of our finances and home spaces (we support three of our adult kids who are - no surprise - struggling) and there is a guardianship battle on over one who is disabled who he had little time fore before, of course.

And still, as hard as it is at the moment, we are so far better off without him.  I can breathe ...... we have begin healing around the ongoing issues, and we laugh again.

You are in the hardest zone at the moment Hon ..... just hold on.  Something will shift, and you will survive it !!!  There will be a morning after.

[Corny]

You're such a strong person @Faith-and-Hope and I really admire people that stand by their convictions like you do. Because it isn't easy in a society like ours. Your children will reap the benefits of having an adoring Mum like you in their lives. Someone that they can look up to, and hold them to account when they slip up. 

Your ex-husband has broken your heart, and he has broken his children's heart, and that of his birth family. He must have a lot of gung-ho and ego to do that. 

My memory isn't the best because I have been unwell for the last 6 years in particular, but I wanted to be transparent with you @Faith-and-Hope and tell you that I have behaved in the same way as your ex-husband. When I was about 26/27 I slept with a women that was in a relationship. I am so ashamed I did that, because it makes me like my father. I must be more pig-headed than I fool myself to believe. I haven't done it again, or thought I hadn't, and I do live with that regret. I don't know why I am telling you this now, maybe its my own ego thinking that I have nothing in common with a-holes like that.....only to find that I do....... I hope that you still get something out of our online conversations, and understand that you trust me, that little bit less. I am a generous person, but not at that moment I was selfish. 

I hope that you are warm and cosy, Corny 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I don't judge you for that, or think less of you for it @Corny ..... I wasn't raised with  an NPD parent, and it can't help but affect your choices, values and judgements, I am sure.  But you have worked against it being a life pattern for you, and from what I understand, people who suffer with NPD feel no remorse, so please reassure yourself that you are not him, and none of us is perfect.  We do have our selfish moments, and make unwise choices, sometimes outside of our own value system, and as you know very well, sometimes that occurs by coersion, especially in a relationship with a narc.   It's the 'boiled frog' syndrome of not realising you are in warm water that is progressively getting hotter by design, and you are oblivious until you are in serious trouble with seemingly no way out ..... seemingly .... because there is also 'smoke and mirrors' illusions and deceptions (gas-lighting) going on.

I am only as strong as I know how to be according to my hope and faith @Corny, and I thank God for the beautiful parents I had .... as imperfect as the rest of us, but not narcissistic.

Hugs n hugs ..... 💞

[Corny]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope .

I have tried really hard, not to perpetuate the legacies of my parents and to not pass that onto the next generation. To continue on, just like them, is a massive Fail, to me.

I took myself to therapy when I was young, I knew all of this had to have an impact, and I tried my best to not turn into a cliche.

I don't think I am a total cliche, and prisoner of their damage to me, but I have made mistakes. I try to own them when I do, and be a better person. 

I drew the short straw in the mother and father department, but am happy that you have experienced unconditional love, and really admire loving parents. My sibs dog loves me more than my parents ever did. 

I hope that you can have a relaxing time this weekend, I am going to get ready to go and meet my sib and fluffy nephew at the park, take care, Corny

[Faith-and-Hope]

Have a good afternoon @Corny 💕

I am working this weekend, but it's art so it doesn't feel like work 😏

[Corny]

That's great @Faith-and-Hope that you can immerse yourself in your art, distraction can be healthy when the stress in your life is so intense right now.