Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[CLA]

Hi. I'm v new here and hoping ppl may have some useful ideas for me. My husband was diagnosed w bipolar disorder (Type 1) 15 months ago. Struggling to find meds that work for him. We have two young children (6&3). I work as my husband cannot at the moment. I have no family in the town I live. Closest family are 1 hr away.
My question is to ppl who have a young family with an unwell partner. How do you manage/rearrange your roles/responsibilities in your home when your partner is unwell, but also when they are well? I currently have arrangements in place so all child care rests on myself/daycare/OOSH care/family and not on him as he's too unwell at the moment. But what happens when he gets better? Do I keep the current plans in place and he just slot in/help out where he can? I'm mindful of not making him feel excluded however with the nature of bipolar disorder I know one day he can be well enough to care for the kids, and not be able to get out of bed the next. And that makes it really hard to go to work, unsure if things are ok at home. I feel less anxious if I have a plan in place regardless of how well/unwell my husband is.
I've considered the idea of getting an au pair. One major plus would be they would always be at home when I'm not as I'm a shift worker. Help with school drop off and pick up would be great too as working around school hours is virtually impossible for me. And that way my husband can participate in the family as much or as little as he can manage.
Can anyone share with me how they manage to organise their home life and responsibilities around their partners illness?
Many thanks in advance.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @CLA

Welcome to the forums.  I am so glad you have reached out here.

I would be at a loss as to how to advise you.  I have an unwell husband - long story - eating disorder and still in denial so we can't achieve a diagnosis or treatment yet ....

I can empathise though.  It is difficult to co-parent under these circumstances, and of course it affects the marriage as well.  We have teens and 20-somethings.  It's a whole other world of issues than you have with young children.  

You have already determined that their safety is paramount.  

The mods on this forum may be able to put you in touch with services equipped to advise you about support services and facilities.

Not sure who is about tonight - @NikNik @CherryBomb @Fancy_Pants @Shimmer

Take care.  Chat anytime.  Once other forum users respond to your post, they will be advised by email of updates on this thread, as you will be if you respond to others.

🌷 F&H

[Sky]

Hi @CLA,

Welcome to the forum. I'm one of the moderators here 🙂

Sounds like you're facing a diffcult situation where you need to plan for an unpredictable environment so to achieve a win win outcome for the whole family. I can also hear that you're trying to take on the whole responsiblity to seek solutions.

Have you tried family counselling or therapy if your husband is well enough to particpant into the decision making process? Some clinic may have psychologist who can include children even they're little. This is just a suggestion after hearing what you're trying to achieve at the moment. There are many other options that would fit in your family's schedule and lifestyle especially your children are still at an age that would keep both of you very busy!

Please use this forum as one of the spaces that you can look for ideas. Try using the serach bar to type in words such as `caring for a family', `bipolor disorder', `caring for a partner' and you'll be surprised how many people are on the simliar pathway you're walking on just like @Faith-and-Hope.

Well done on not giving up trying and ask for help! People are very supportive here so I hope you'll enjoy using this resources 🙂

Take care,

[Tatsinda]

My husband has good times and bad and it is hard when things change suddenly. We have young kids. I basically have a plan for when he's well and another one for when he's not. When planning schedules and activities I try to plan what I know I can manage without his help, so if he does go downhill we are not stuck. When he is unwell I just get through it, prioritising the kids needs, and then when he is better I take a break to try to recharge. Hope that helps...it's not an easy situation. I think you need to plan what's best for the kids and what you can manage yourself.

[hashis_girl]

hello,

I was diagnosed with hashimotos disease last year. It is due to an overactive thyroid. symptoms that present mimic those of bi-polar symptoms. has your husband had his thyroid checked? bloods done? lots of people are misdiagnosed as having bi-polar when in actual fact they need to be on medication for a thyroid imbalance. I myself feel moody all the time, depressed and then full of thoughts, ideas, creativity that won't stop for awhile so i always wondered if i was Bi-polar, took an online test and it said, check thyroid as my answers indicated it was highly likely if thyroid problems were ruled out. Just a suggestion, seeing as no medication seems to help. You are very strong and supportive. i think an au pair is a good idea. you dont want to be over-stressed because you could run yourself sick as well. good luck with it all.

[CLA]

Hi everyone. Thankyou for your replies. I appreciate the time you have taken to write. @Sky we have had some couples therapy sessions with mixed success. We've put a pause on them for a few weeks but have another session coming up in a week or so. <br>@Tatsinda I think I've slowly evolved to what you've suggested. It's taken me a while to realise this is just our new normal now and I think I'm going to just make plans that I can handle and see how that goes.<br>@hasish_girl I understand what you are suggesting however, without going into a very long winded story, I have no doubts about my husbands diagnosis. He was very much experiencing a manic episode (leading to diagnosis) which unfortunately went on for so long it also had psychotic features. These reemerge when medications are altered. He has had some success with his latest medication but it's toxic on his kidneys so he can't take as much as they'd like him to. He's had his kidney liver and thyroid function tested many times since His medication change so I would imagine if there was anything out of the ordinary they'd have noticed it by now. <br>It is very comforting to know there are ppl out there who understand what I'm going through. Friends are supportive but unless they have first hand knowledge of caring for a mentally ill person, they really don't understand what it's like. I've met lots of carers along the way who care for a child however I've never met someone who cares for their spose, so this forum has been very helpful. Thankyou to all who have taken the time to write. Feel free to keep writing!! All the best to you all. xoxo

[Tatsinda]

It's not easy is it, and I've found it isolating in many ways. Especially with kids to look after. So much falls to the well partner. As you say, finding a new normal is a good idea because it helps you find a way forward. And find ways to get support for yourself, I've had counselling on and off over the years which has been a great help.