Today I am heartbroken. My partner broke up with me because my depression is too much for him.
I reached out to him today asking him to visit me soon. We are in a long distance relationship and I really need his support right now.
He replied with this ''After what has happened (my recent relapse into depression) I don't think we can be together. The distance is huge and it would only work if I was confident in us being together for the long term. But after what happened and how scared I was for you.... its too much for me. I never thought of that side of you (my depression) as a burden. I knew about it and was willing to work with you. But I didn't appreciate how bad you were feeling. Worrying for your life so soon after being happy has made me terrified it could happen again... If it happened when you were here just with me I would totally blame myself. I keep saying I believe in you and know you can manage this."
I wanted share my response back to my partner with this forum. Mainly because I am hoping it will help me heal. I need support from anyone. Maybe someone out there has gone through a similar heartbreak. I'm not sure if the letter I wrote to my partner was appropriate or too hard on him but I had to express how I am feeling. Right now I am heartbroken.
Here is my letter....
Please don't lie to me and tell me you believe in me. If you believed in me you wouldn't give up on me and us. Perhaps you never loved me, or only loved me in good times. Distance isn't a reason to end it with someone you love because anything is possible and your friend's relationship is proof of that.
Even though I'm feeling extremely hurt by you, I'm not afraid to tell you I would stick with you through thick and thin. I would go through absolutely anything with you because i love you and i believe that is what love is.
I went through a rough time recently and i became very depressed again. I have been blaming myself and I have felt like a failure because i wasn't able to cope and be happy every single moment of every day. You have no idea how hard i have been trying to fight depression. Even more since I met you. I have been trying to deal with depression by myself, with no medication and no help from anyone.
I have help now and I have learnt that what has happened recently was not my fault. I have been under a lot of stress and I'm sure if you or anyone else was in my situation you would have found it difficult to cope as well. I also learnt that coming off the medication i was on is extremely difficult for anyone who has been on it. The side effects are horrible and I am still suffering from them today.
I have thought about it and I do want you to know about what has happened recently. At first I didn't want to tell you because i felt embarrassed and ashamed but it's not my fault and I want you to know that.
About two weeks ago I tried to end my life. I know you wont be able to understand my reason because you have never suffered from depression but I will try to explain.
I wanted to end my life because I saw no way out of the hopelessness. I was unable to get out of bed and I spent every moment crying. I thought this is who i am and how the rest of my life will be - I am a burden, a disappointment and a failure.
I don't even know what words to use to describe the feeling of depression. Perhaps think of the worst moment in your life when you felt so much sadness and pain mixed with a time you have felt absolutely useless and unworthy. I guess it is like that but the feeling doesn't lessen or go away. It grows more intense each day. It stays with you continuously until you get to that point of absolute hopelessness.
For me, the worst part is the feeling of loneliness. Depression makes me push away everyone i care for because I don't feel worthy of their love. I isolate myself because I'm embarrassed about the way i feel, I don't want to ask for help and be a burden on anyone. The feeling of detachment from everyone and loneliness is unbearable.
I have always dreamed big and set myself big goals for my life. When i met you, suddenly my goals and dreams included you and that made me even more excited about the future. When i felt that feeling of depression again, all my goals and dreams slipped away. I thought because I am depressed again it means i am weak, i am a failure and i am a disappointment. I ended it with you because i was embarrassed about my depression, it made me think I wasn't worthy of love and I would be a selfish person expecting love from someone when i couldn't even love myself. I cut off all my friends for the same reason.
The depression made me end my relationship with you and i was heartbroken. Besides the feeling of hopelessness, I now felt an extreme feeling of loss....loss of you who i love so much, my friends and my family. Sadness doesn't even come close to describe the feeling of losing everyone you love. No one wants to be alone.
The last two weeks have been very difficult for me. I have been in and out of hospitals, locked in a seclusion ward which is probably one of the lowest points in my life, had to tell my story to numerous medical and mental health workers over and over again, been asked questions about things i have buried away for so long it hurts to talk about, and the worst part of it all is seeing the pain my mother has gone through nearly losing her child. The reason I am here today, is because of my mother and the amount of effort my friends and even strangers have put in to help me.
Yesterday I was released from hospital. The psychiatrist I saw gave me hope that I will get better. All I needed was a bit of hope because i haven't felt any in a while. He told me the people who love me will never think of me as a burden and will be there for me. He told me to contact my friends and also you as I told him I had pushed you away and that was a big reason I was hurting so much. It has taken me a lot of courage to contact you because i feel embarrassed about what has happened.
I am going to be honest, I didn't expect you would end it with me when i reached out to you again. I have always been very open and honest with you about my depression since the day i first met you. I have shared with you more about my life than I have with friends I have known my whole life. You know me and you know my flaws. I am shocked you ended it with me because I believed you loved me. The way you have acted towards me while we were together never indicated you would give up on our relationship so easily even with all these obstacles. I actually thought the opposite and that our relationship was very strong despite the distance and my depression.
When i read your message i spent most the day crying uncontrollably overwhelmed by sadness. Then i felt anger towards you for giving up on me and leaving me feeling abandoned and not worthy of your effort. Then i starting blaming myself thinking ''if only i had tried harder, if only i was stronger, if only i could be happy all the time, if only i didn't have depression...."
Right now I still feel overwhelming sadness, I still feel anger and I am still blaming myself. I also feel disappointment. Not with myself but with you. I know you don't like to make people unhappy because you cant handle that feeling but today you have broken my heart and taken some of the hope and faith I needed away.
I do love you and i would walk around the world a hundred times for you if I had to. I am not telling you this to try to convince you to stay with me but because I am proud that this is who i am and i would do anything for the people I care about. You are everything i wanted and needed in a partner except one thing - you gave up on me when I was at my lowest and when i need you the most because that is the easiest option for you. I believed you were someone who was strong, courageous and doesn't give up. I am so sad to find out who you really are. Everything you said to me made me feel confident in us but now I realise they were just words.
Yes, I suffer from depression and i know you feel that it is all too much for you. I know how that feels because it is all too much for me too. In saying that, I would never give up on you and end it with you if you had depression or anything else bad happened to you. No matter what you are going through I would always stick by your side.
Maybe I will relapse again into depression again, i could several times throughout my life. But maybe I wont... What if this time the new medication works, if this time the psychiatrist does help me and if this time I do get better?
It's not my fault I have depression and I don't deserved to be punished for having it. I feel it's unfair you ended it with me because of it and I don't get a chance because you are scared of how my depression will make you feel.
We will never know what our life could have been like together. Maybe it would be tough because I have relapses of depression throughout my life, but maybe the tough times could have been worth all the good times. Maybe I never get depressed again and you could go through your whole life not worrying about my depression making you feel bad. Either way we could of had a good life together filled with happiness, joy and full of love. Actually I am sure we could have but now that future is all gone.
I needed to express how I feel to you. I am upset and disappointed that you have given up on us because of my depression. I am convinced now that depression is not permanent and it is treatable. I will beat it but you wont be there to see me do it and you wont be there to share an amazing future with me.
I want you to know my story because I hope that in the future when you come across someone else who suffers from depression, maybe a friend or a new partner, that you don't abandon what you have with them because their depression makes you feel uncomfortable and is too much for you. Don't give up on someone because it all feels too hard. Nothing great ever comes easy and you don't know what you might be throwing away.
