Our stories
@Emelia8 Hugzz - this pain will ease soon. It's not permanent. Back pain flares up and goes all the time. Ride it out. Also, back pain is linked to emotional pain. Keep doing the Grief Work. We'll get you there 💙
I’ve been living with significant physical and/or emotional/mental pain for what seems like an eternity now. And there just doesn’t seem to have been any respite. There was my cancer surgery in November and the long recovery from that. Then the torn shoulder rotator cuff which I incurred soon after surgery. That was followed quickly by radiation therapy, which in itself causes lasting physical pain, which I continue to experience. Then there was the intense emotional and psychological pain of losing my husband under such unexpected and traumatic circumstances.
About 3-4 weeks after that I had a recurrence of my long term back injury, with considerable lower back pain and related incapacity. That lasted for about a month before slowly resolving, which is fairly normal for me. But then soon after, I developed this incessant and extreme sciatic pain. It’s been going on now for around 5 weeks. Getting slowly worse over the first few weeks, and then just constant pain, with little to no improvement. Night times I have been in extreme pain, barely able to breathe at times and afraid to move. Unfortunately even the strongest painkillers are ineffective with nerve pain, so there isn’t much that will help. I have been taking muscle relaxant medication which is meant to help reduce muscle spasm and is often used for spinal cord injuries. It typically takes a couple of weeks to become fully effective.
So far though, nothing seems to help. I have been having physiotherapy twice a week for the past couple of weeks, stepped up from once a week for the previous few weeks. She has been trying all sorts of things, but the past week we have tried traction to try to take some of the pressure of my trapped nerve. I’ve been using a back brace at home to try to keep spinal discs as stable as possible. It’s unwieldy and uncomfortable, especially when also worn at night, as has been suggested.
If these conservative treatments don’t help, it could mean spinal injections or spinal surgery. My physio said I need to see my GP asap to arrange for an MRI and likely a referral to a specialist (neurologist or orthopaedic). But nothing is easy. I can’t see my GP until nearly 2 weeks away. If I have to see a specialist, there will be a wait time, and likely a trip to a large regional city two hours drive away. So if that is needed, then any relief is still a long way off. Meanwhile I’m finding that I am getting a lot of weakness in the legs, where they just give out on me. So that’s a bit distressing. It is a symptom of nerve compression however, and is something I had when I first injured my back 22 years ago. It hasn’t been this bad since then.
To be honest, I’m starting to give up hope that anything will help. I have felt depression creeping up on me for a couple of months now. My psych gave me a questionnaire when I saw her three weeks ago. She told me my depression level was too high, even allowing for the cancer diagnosis and loss of my husband. Ummm yeah ... I’m no expert, but I pretty much knew that. I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m depressed, I’m in pain, I feel I have no purpose, I fear I will soon lose my little Holly ... and there seems no escape from any of this. I know the physical pain is impacting heavily on my mental health, but I cant seem to prevent that from happening.
I honestly cannot deal with this any longer. I’m really struggling, and I feel pretty useless around the forums too, and that doesn’t help. My own needs feel too great to be able to offer anything to other members. And there are so many of you here who are struggling a great deal right now. I am really sorry I cannot be here to at least try to help support you. But I don’t feel I have anything to give.
Yes I know what you’ll say ... that I should hang around and accept the support of other members, and that it doesn’t matter if I cannot support anyone else right now. But that doesn’t sit well with me. It isn’t pressure from anyone else ... it is merely the self imposed pressure and expectation that I place upon myself. So my friends ... I need to step back from here for now. Until such time as I can feel some improvement and gain some reduction in pain levels. Or at least until I can learn better how to cope with it in the longer term. I see both my psych and my GP next week, hoping they can help. Right now though, I’m way too fragile both mentally and physically to be here. Thank you everyone.
Attempting to tag all those who have been so supportive, but my apologies if I miss anyone.
@Anastasia @Former-Member @HenryX @Shaz51 @greenpea @BlueBay @Owlunar @Eve7 @saltandpepper @Snowie @WIP @Bow @Peri @outlander @Oaktree @Sophia1 @Adge @Appleblossom @Clawde @NatureLover @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope
Emelia 🤗💕🙏🐶🌸
Big hugs @Emelia8 ..... I don't have answers for you, but I am hearing you, and I care. My D3 is struggling a lot with physical pain at the moment, and I can't help but believe there is a psychological component too in our circumstances. Dealing with her beings you and others here to mind ..... with you when I am not with you .....
