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Cairns
Contributor

9 Months on a roller coaster

It ended last night; I feel that my world has imploded after yet another end to the most volatile relationship that I have ever been involved in. As I got to know my partner (Madison)NHRN; tendencies and behaviours exhibited that I had never seen with anyone else.

 

Our relationship started from sex work. Madison was incredibly young and beautiful after 5 minutes I was totally infatuated with her. Weekly bookings went from an hour to 3 hours. Followed by nights away on business. After a while we began communicating on a social level. Hundreds of messages a day. Continual photo’s both personal and internment. For a better word it was a sugar daddy relationship.

 

I was double Madison’s age I was in a position of power but fell in love with her very quickly. I have had some major struggles with mental health mainly PTSD and substance abuse, it was easy to see from the on set that this relationship was just another extension of those things. It was about a month prior to Christmas that the very telling signs of BPD where very apparent in Madison. She confided in me that she had been raped many times some of them in her own house. She had systematically abused drugs and alcohol and admitted that she had been an addict.

 

Madison had started working at a brothel over private work. She had become a ghost. It was heartbreaking to see. There was a continued persona of the tuff exterior with a woman falling apart on the inside. I begged her to stop working. No matter what I offered she refused and continued with the abuse behaviours towards me and herself.

My bottom came just before Christmas; I was at the end of my string literally. At that point the people around me started to make the decisions for me. This in turn probably saved my life. About two months latter I initiated contact again with Madison. I don’t know why; it was a thing that I was totally incapable of stopping myself from doing. We meet for lunch that day and with in a week were back involved in a relationship once again.

 

Madison had been displaced and was living in a spare bedroom of a drug dealer. Madison had been involved in an incident which had traumatically triggered a PTSD memory of being groomed and abused by very drunk men. She had taken this booking while very drunk the booking from that incident she was broken but continuing the bravado of being all right, at that point she gave up sex work and allowed the people around her to help. This was best time of the relationship.

 

Although she now reflects on this as the time that she was helpless and not in control. Over the months that followed Madison found full time work and a stable place to live, her family supported her till she was on her feet again she also was also able to start studying as well.

I had continued to see mental health professionals and had been sober for 3 months when the real chinks started to appear. There was no trust from either of us. Madison remained in contact with clients and many men. It was obvious that she was still engaging with them. This all came to a head when I was contacted by one of her ex’s. Madison attracted what I would class as weird men. In some respects, I would say that I have some of the tendencies, but we are talking world class creepy freaks. Madison was stuck between her teenage romances and a hoard of angry sexual deviants and feathered their interest with continued chatter, probably the same type that initially interested me in the first place.

 

It was impossible to confront Maddison about this; it would just turn into yelling match followed by her losing the ability to function and rolling into a ball or extreme anger. Madison had been talking to her Posologist however I’m not sure she ever wanted to hear the hard truths that she was getting from her.  Her mother had given up on the situation in her mid-teens and placed had in the two hard baskets. The honeymoon was over. The need to do drugs and drink had come back! Abuse in relationships comes in many forms but the BPD I found was the fact that she was always in the right, the need for her individualism and her position to be always correct. I have now walked out of the relationship and understand that the roller coaster is on the way down. I just want her to be OK but can see the train wreck a mile ahead at this stage.

 

Is there anybody in the community that has been able to help or guide from afar? How do you help someone that is unwilling to be helped? How do you stop the hard-won gains from being swept up in a cloud of Booze and Drugs?

5 REPLIES 5

Re: 9 Months on a roller coaster

Hi @Cairns Welcome to the forums. It is clear you have been having a really tough time. Good on you for posting about your experiences. I am sure the forums will be able to offer you support and connection. If you need support off the forum please consider the Sane Help Centre, where you can get telephone and online chat counselling Mon - Fri, 10am-10pm AEST Phone 1800 187 263. Website: Sane Help Centre

Feel free to check our guidelines about how to post confidentially and safely.

 

Kindly,

Sphinxly

Re: 9 Months on a roller coaster

@Cairns  Welcome to the forums.

 

I have no advice what so ever. I think sometimes life has been so incredibly tough, people can give up on themselves. 

 

Maybe try to put some of your own life back together, it’s been a rough ride.

 

Take care. 💞💞

Re: 9 Months on a roller coaster

Hi @Maggie Maggie,

 

I have decided that letting go is the only thing I can do. I'm still heart broken by the end of the relationship. I don't know whether this is the natural end of a relationship for her someone gets to close and impulsively acts out. I have since been accused of being controlling and intrusive, my kindness was flipped to making me the evil partner and her the innocent victim.

 

I heard her accounts of her previous partners being possessive and at fault in the past, however I think these things are a more a symptom of her need to control the relationship but be completely ambivalent to the rules and consequences herself.

 

Thanks for your kind words I understand that some of the above content needs to be viewed from both sides it's not my intent to demonise her in any way. I just understand the BPD is the thing that drives the illogical behaviour.

 

I don't have a broad reaching support network, I found that I need to keep this relationship to myself. It was difficult for me to tell my love ones that I was dating a sex worker. There was immediate level of distrust and disgust from some of my friends. I to found this from intimacy perspective incredibly difficult to reconcile, again she would use this often as a statement on you knew what you where getting when you singed up too it. Yet if I criticised her choices and or tried to counter the treats of returning sex work the ambivalent responses and victim blaming would start.

 

It has always been my up bring to help those that need help. I have always said what I believe to be right and true, It just difficult walking away from some one you loved but could not quite trust. But I'm doing this because staying would mean becoming a victim and end in more pain latter.

 

I very much appreciate the help from the forum Cairns ☹

Re: 9 Months on a roller coaster

@Cairns  I can hear how very hard it is for you. I don’t think you have demonised your partner at all, you have found the situation too difficult, and decided you need to walk away for your own sake.

 

Maybe in time, your partner will reach out for help herself, she may not also. We all make choices in our lives.

 

Maybe reach out to support network for yourself now. Try to put your own life back together. You’ve reached out here. You sound like a caring person, sometimes, that can be taken advantage of.

 

Go gentle with yourself. 

 

 

 

Re: 9 Months on a roller coaster

Hey there @Cairns

 

It's Peonies here, I am one of the community managers here on SANE Forums. 

 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can hear how hard things must have been for you. We are all here for you on the forums 💙

 

Also, as you may have noticed we have moved this thread to an area that might get more responses from other members.

 

Please let us know how things are with you. 

 

Take Care, 

Peonies 

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