(Trigger warning: Self harm)
Hi, i'm new to this forum and I really just needed a place to write out all of the mess i'm currently facing and have faced. I can't talk to anyone around me, I feel, becuase I have either bored them to death with my breakdowns and problems, they don't understand my problems or they get angry and lash out at me because they really do care about me and just want me to be happy, and this causes more problems.. They mean no harm, they just don't understand that I have mental problems going on, and well, i'm probably at fault for not telling them my concerns in this area overall, i'm just scared they'll either reject that idea and laugh in my face, disregard it as nothing compared to how terrible it actually feels or treat me differently because of it. So, here I am...
I'm 21 years old and I believe I suffer from BPD. Only self-diagnosed, as I am too intimidated to actually take the steps towards seeing a medical professional and being properly diagnosed, as well as my family finding out becuase of that action. But, I am fairly confident I suffer through all of the key symptoms associated with this disorder. Early childhood was unpleasant for me, moving from school to school and being bullied, criticised and negatively changed by each school from both fellow students and teachers alike. They targeted my once confident, quite quirky personality and everything about me that was different and unique in a way, and so that had driven me to close myself off and become incredibly shy. I also tried to pretend that I was someone else, someone that I admired from a TV show or movie so that maybe I could fit in, be accepted and abandon the person I was, because I knew that person had caused a negative reaction. I barely spoke a word and that only made me more of a target, It got so bad that I would refuse to get out of the car some mornings when my mum would drop me off and sometimes I would purposely stick my fingers down my throat before school (throwing up was a severe fear of mine at this age so these were incredibly extreme measures). I never told my parents about the extent of the bullying and so I felt quite alone through the whole, horrible experience.
High school was a million times better, I actually had a few friends then, but by that point, the damage had already been done. My self-esteem/self worth has been heavily affected throughout the years and I now find I can only feel a source of happiness through the acceptance and praise of others. I don't know if these early events are what brought on these symptoms of BPD or not, maybe I was just born as an extra sensitive individual, and it was always bound to develop, who knows.
I started cutting myself about 2 years ago, this is when the depression began to really take its toll. I had started to cling to people I found I had a real connection with, either an imagined or real connection. These came in the form of a series of online "relationships" as I find myself incredibly selective of who I eventually want to have a romantic relationship with. These guys I found online were easy to get a sense of and far more appealing than what I could have around me, in real life. Unfortunately. The first one had a girlfriend I had no idea about and I was heartbroken by this fact. This was around a time when I was fighting with my closest friend, so I really clung to this person I had met online. We had small flirtatious banter here and there, nothing really serious, but I craved and looked forward to his company and when he would come online. It was a source of sudden, extreme excitement for me that I had never experienced before and constantly wanted more of. It was that acceptance I needed as well to feel happy, normal and good about myself. When that "relationship" had fallen apart, I immediately jumped to the next one, desperate for those feelings again, desperate for something other than the all consuming sadness of the last online experience.
This next one was the cause of a great amount of grief. I felt such a connection with this person so far away from me. I was convinced it was meant to be and that everything I had done and been through was just leading me to this guy. We liked the same music, said the same things, had the same outlook on life and just clicked in a lot of areas. I was head over heels, and he was very unattainable. He admitted as much, he had been hurt so bad before that he never wanted to give it another try, he wanted to stay alone, all he wanted was fun. I could never understand that desire for complete solitude, it seemed overly depressing. He ran as soon as he sensed I wanted even a little bit of "effort" from him to be involved in my life. He abandoned the conversation and I was overcome with grief. I was so, so convinced that this was the guy I was going to end up with, so, so convinced. And so, when reality finally hit and made it very clear that this fairytale wasn't going to happen, and I was rejected, that was arounnd the time I started cutting. I had never been so emotionally hurt. It scared me. I never thought I would resort to self mutilation, yet there I was, cutting up my legs like it was the most normal thing ever. Not a second thought. It's like something came over me and started controlling me, making me do that to myself. I wasn't even present anymore. And so I made a habit of it, even looked forward to it. I just felt so worthless. The harm I inflicted on myself comforted me through it all, somehow.
Soon, in another desperate attempt to pick myself up and have some fun of my own, I got in contact with someone I admired very much with the intent of starting some sort of online relationship with him. I seemed to mentally block out the fact that he may have already been in a relationship. I was just too desperate, miserable and in an extremely bad place. So I told myself and convinced myself that he probably wasn't even in a relationship anymore despite the signs that pointed to that being very much not the case. He's perfect in every way for me, and it breaks my heart. We have been talking for over 5 months straight now, pretty much everyday. And the content of our conversations was everything I had dreamed it would be. He has said he has come to care for me, though he is clearly heavily conflicted as he has a significant other. I feel like a horrible person for engaging in this relationship with him, I know i'm not a good person and this only brings on more self hate and resentment. But it's too late, I am so, so attached to him, in love and it's destroying me. Everytime he can't respond for an extended period of time, I breakdown, sob, lose all motivation to do anything, stare at walls and think about all the ways I probably screwed it up. I blame myself and think he hates me sometimes, I know deep down that's far from true but I can't rationally think. Though this all seems like an incredibly unhealthy situation, he proves to at least be my one source of happiness. I feel like i'm getting better everytime I talk to him, I feel alive again, confident, able to participate in simple, productive activities again. I am just constantly terrified that he'll just leave me and not respond one day however, that i'll say something wrong etc. I have stopped cutting myself because of him, I have stopped myself from doing it. I know if he ever did leave, it would destroy me, and yet it's a relationship not made to last or function properly.
Right now, tonight, this horrible feeeling is unbearble. I can't even bring myself to find distractions. He is having some issues and so our communication has been limited. I've been blaming myself of course, thinking he's getting tired of me and planning his escape. I myself am starting to see the apeal of living alone forever myself now, this constant feeling of heartache is certainly something I don't want to feel too much more often after this. Strange. I can't talk to anybody about this anymore. Overall, I feel like a horrible, bitter, screwed up person. And I did this to myself. I just want this pain to stop already. It only can when I get some sort of sign from him it seems. I resort to excessive substance abuse a lot of the time to help cope with these developing, overwhelming feelings of depression, which also causes conflict between me and my dad. I feel like everyone hates me and just puts up with me all the time. And i'm terrified that there is no real explanation to my behavior, i'm terrifed to talk to my family about it, i'm terrified to talk to a professional about it, and i'm terrifed of losing that one and only part of my life that seems to make me happy. Terrified and hurting and stuck like this forever. I just can't bring myself to do anything.
I know it will be hard not to judge me for what i've written here, I probably shouldn't have even shared it, but I just needed to get it all out. I'm so, so lost. Everything feels so overwhelming and horrible. I don't know how to cope, I really don't. My life feels pointless and empty and the same. I'm worried about what will happen to me in the future, i'm afraid i'll never be contently happy in life.
But, thank you so much for taking the time to read this, if you have.
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