I awake every morning, sore and weary
having tossed and turned
and dreamed of being a character
in a playstation game,
wandering about collecting
tokens and using my wand
to blast things out of the way.
I spend too much time playing'obviously.
I awake every morning,
with no thought in my head, yet
and immediately the absence
has to be filled
usually with
something sad or bad
that happened to me.
Then I push up out
of my warm bed
in my lovely home
and make coffee and roll
a smoke.
Blinking on the couch
as I top up
caffiene and nicotine
pretending I am
'meditating' but really
scrambling inside
my overly large brain
looking for a foothold
so I don't slip off a cliff and
f
a
l
l
any further down than I already am...
I catch my thoughts and
turn them around.,
turnaround. turnaround (bright eyes)
and wonder what I will do today
besides the washing, the dishes and
vacuuming.
The weather has been cold and rainy
but I like that, I like it too
when the sun cracks out of the clouds and
illuminates my lounge room
with golden light.
Or flashes through the crystal
hanging outside the window
refracting rainbows around
the lounge room
a whirl of colour and movement.
Better than drear and grey.
I am sad and lonely
broken hearted over a freindship that
went horribly pear-shaped
a month ago when
I spat cross words at a friend
who was with all reasonable assessment
saying soemthing hurtful
but that had I had my boundaries on tight
I would have let slide
through to the keeper.
It escalated unbelievably on both sides
and I am now without that friend.
I didn't have many to start with
so her loss is a big loss.
I went to see my psychologist today
I was very intellectual and controlling
the conversation
so much she remarked on it
and then I broke.
D
o
w
n.
And cried, a snotty, teary, sobbing mess.
I feel so alone.
I have such a beautiful partner
My wife, my life.
She works
and I am now at home
Totally and permanently disabled,
but my mind flies free
somedays.
I lack friends, motivation
and the life I had before
where work was a chore
but at least I had others to
laugh with the incidental relationships
talking, sharing...
All gone now.
Social media is all I have really
and it is so fraught,
it is where the split up happened.
I had never met her, that friend
we had talked for seven years
seven! and then over an argument
it is gone.
I dunno - my life is outwardly so good
I have a home, enough to eat
a warm special home
with dogs and a woman who loves me and
who I love.
But here I am with fabrics to sew, bu I can't be bothered
and blank canvas to paint and I can't be bothered
a a book to write and I ... can't be bothered.
I have seeds to sew, and a garden to play in
but can't be bothered.
I am feeling the lack of any point to my life.
But not suicidal, don't worry.
Not Me. I have been here forever
feeling pain and strain
and haven't done it yet.
(that 'yet' is not a cry for help)
I have reduced my meds in the
hope of picking up some motivation
and I am astounded already
how different I feel
but I am
S
l
i
d
i
n
g
Down a rabbit hole. A burrow.
My psch made a special appointment for me
in two weeks time instead of four
so we can talk about
how to get me socially engaged.
I can't be bothered.
I don't want to meet new people.
And have to pretend I'm okay.
Or worse
meet new people
and through anxiety be kurt
or sharp and runaway,
runaway.
I know it is odd to
have written this in this form,
but
this helps me process
in a different way.
So, here I am I am,
not lonely per se
rather feeling
like an alien...
outerspaced.
Moongal. Moodgal.
