Lived Experience Forum

[Frangipani]

here goes.. <br><br>I struggle with PASS although it is not widely recognized.. I have PTSD symptoms as a result of a very early termination of pregnancy due to protective and health related reasons. I found myself in a bet complicated situation. <br>It's been a few years since and I struggle every day. It is a subject not many women will discuss because it is deeply personal and a taboo subject. I empathise so deeply with those that have endured a similar experience whereby guilt, shame, nightmares , sudden onset of sleep talking, flashbacks, avoidance, hyper vigilance and waking evey two -three hours, depression, anxiety, high cortisol levels (stress hormone), crying spells, feelings of distress and as though I will not live for long and significant weight gain within a year and a half (possibly a protective behavior and comfort behaviour) are now apart of your life. Not to mention regret and heartache. Sometimes my heart feels as though it is in physical pain.. <br>I feel antidepressants which I have reluctantly begun taking are now thankfully assisting me..I am a highly empathetic person.. <br>I never thought I'd be in this situation ever.. I would deeply appreciate hearing from anyone hat has had a similar experience and needs to know that they are not alone.. This is how I feel all the time because no one discusses it. I am too scared to..so I'm braving up right now..seriously. <br>If anyone has PTSD out there, I'd also be very interested and appreciate hearing how you cope with your symptoms.

[pip]

Hello @Frangipani. Welcome to the forums, thank you for the honesty re: PTSD from termination due to complications. Making the decision to terminate would've been incredibly hard even though the pregnancy was risky for your health. It would appear from the way your post reads, that some of the emotional issues surrounding the decision were never resolved. You're right in that coming to terms with termination for any reason is a personal and private decision. But when a mother to-be makes that decision for whatever reason, the guilt, shame, anger etc that comes from the decision is often never discussed with her. I suffer a mild form of PTSD due to sexual abuse. My PTSD takes the form of not being able to sleep in a room with the door shut. Having to leave a low wattage light bulb on at night. Knowing this and accepting this, wasn't easy, but I now accept I'm not a coward, just problems affecting sleep. My work recently employed a person who has depression but is in denial. This person has extreme anger issues, and raises her voice at the drop of a hat. When she is present I am forced to leave the room as I shake incessantly when she is there. I don't know whether she is aware of her loud, angry tone, but it does scare me as my dad had a similar tone. She is also violent, she hasn't lashed out at me, but if she did, I would have to take action as this too scares me. I come from an extremely violent, abusive background and any form of violence or even the threat of violence can reduce me to a quivering mess. This coupled with my PTSD means I have to be wary of unknown quality when strangers are introduced. I deal with people with physical disabilities, some have speech impediments. This does not affect me as these same people can be extremely gentle and loving. I am just totally unprepared to deal with violence and extreme anger. My immediate colleagues know and understand my issues and they are really supportive. I suspect this newest worker probably won't last long as she is not suitable for the job. We deal with people from all walks and these people will not appreciate the bombastic approach. I do not take AD's but I recognize my signals when out of my depth and take the appropriate steps to remove myself. As I said, my colleagues also recognize and assist when possible.

[Frangipani]

Pip, thank you so much for your comments and for sharing your experience with PTSD with me. It means more than you know.
I was sitting here waiting and hoping someone would say something! So thank you. Im truly sorry to hear of your abuse.
I have recently informed work of my depression and anxiety, however they don't know exactly why I have it nor do they understand just how difficult it can be or that I've had all of the above symptoms. Politics at work are tough and somethes I just feel like quitting, regardless of how I love my job.
I was told by my psychologist that I definitely have symptoms of PTSD but because I managed to go about my day to day, that I didn't classify as having the actual disorder.
Some days I don't manage, or manage minimally.
I struggle. like yesterday and last night. It is the anniversary of when I would have given birth.
My heart breaks all over again whenever I am reminded of it. When friends have baby showers I try to avoid them, I want to be there for my dearest friends but i definitely try my best to make excuses before attending. The last one I attended I wonders whether anyone could sense my sadness even though I was smiling for my friend

[Frangipani]

Thank you again @pip. I'm wishing you happiness and all the best

[pip]

@Frangipani. Unfortunately with PTSD as with any other MI, there is no 'one cur fits all'. If your friends are aware of your situation with termination, it's possible that, because they can't feel what you're feeling, they possibly believe you're 'handling it'. Grieving is so personal and private, we all grieve in different ways. The woman at work I mentioned, is possibly dealing with grief (I believe her hubby is in jail), it's likely, if that is true, her grief at present is in the anger, denial stage. Please accept my sincerest condolences on the anniversary of the termination. Have you done anything personally to acknowledge the passing. I view termination in the same light as a type of cot-death. Telling your friends you're grieving may make them feel uncomfortable as some people believe that termination does not mean the same as cot-death. Perhaps it might help next time you're invited to a baby shower to make the excuse that you're not feeling well and don't wish to 'pass the bug'. This stops the unavoidable often thoughtless comments of 'you should be past that now'. What are your Dr's comments re: PTSD? I'm rather surprised by the tactless comments from your psychologist. Sometimes the right job can be a great comfort, but if you are experiencing difficulties, perhaps a step-back while you re-evaluate how you feel. I would therefore suggest perhaps asking for a referral to a psychologist who has experience dealing with PTSD and the various forms it takes. Unnecessarily constantly subjecting yourself to work problems that exacerbate how you're feeling would not be helping your recovery. Because of my past, I could never work as a woman police constable, nor in a prison. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Also be aware of your limitations with work and environment. Wishing you all the best.

[Frangipani]

Thank you very much pip

[Frangipani]

I must say however I didn't mean to portray my psychologist in a negative light. Sorry if this is how it came across. My psychologist is very good and empathetic but I guess I didn't agree with what she said on this occasion. I guess I needed some confirmation from them/understanding and to be taken seriously but I don't think they understand how much hurt is on the inside still years later and how I struggle at times. Thank you once again for your kind thoughts and wishes, very much appreciated
Take care

[pip]

@Frangipani. Double apologies re: your psychologist. I didn't mean to imply she was being deliberately tactless. Again, when we can't feel what the person we're talking to feels, (even a psychologist falls into this category), often the comments are tactless. Obviously she meant well, but perhaps she simply said the wrong thing at the wrong time. There's not a lot you can say to someone who is grieving. To keep repeating that you're sorry, after a while starts sounding like the 'broken record' syndrome. I'm sure she does fully understand and appreciate where you are in your grief. Has she given you any coping strategies for being around new born babies and attending baby showers. No doubt these do knock you. Also seeing a child punished in some way by it's mother will upset you. When we grieve for lost children and we see a child being admonished for something wrong, what we see is possibly the end result to an all day drama that we haven't seen. Children can be extremely tiring, demanding and mothers reach the end of their tether. When we see mothers chastise their off-spring, some people immediately phone Family Services to report child abuse. The child in question could have severe behavioural issues, the mother is over-tired and needs a break and she lashes out. This is what the public often see and misconstrue as 'child abuse'. The mother in question could actually have a form of PTSD, also a form of PND. It's actually possible you could fall into that category of PND. You were forced to terminated, but the loss could cause a form of PND as well as PTSD. Psychologists who have no expertise in this field will try to give mum coping strategies, but because of the inexperience of the psych, the strategies fail.

[Appleblossom]

I live too south for frangipanis to flourish, but saw a beautifully scented "native frangipani" yesterday.

Our name choices can help sustain and nourish us in dealing with our pain.  Your story is very sensitively portrayed.

I have been shocked by judgemental and polarised positions of those who are in either "pro" or "anti" camp. I persisted in a situation and it was implied I couldnt face a termination ... so it is a kind of opposite situation .. either way it is a uniquely female conundrum.

I also appreciated your comment about weight gain actually being a protective strategy that women often unconsciously employ ... to keep unwanted sexual attention at bay ... eventually I came to terms with my experience ... I say "I have bad hair days to frighten the boys away" but detaching from body image stakes .. is a protection ..  perhaps til we have processed and healed ...

 It takes courage to talk about the ethics, grief, physical and psychological consequences, still , even in 2016. I do hope participating in the forum helps you and others with the same issues.

[Gumtree]

Hi, I am impressed that you can identify so clearly what is happening with your feelings and PTSD.
I have had PTSD for a long time. Decades. Some Drs. Have just started calling what I have a panic disorder. So yeah i have it bad.
Some things that really help me are:
Music. I can control what music I listen to. Good songs( played loud) raise my spirits and help me cope with the fears that I have.
Swings. Nothing can hurt you on a swing. It's a little childish. But you can feel free.And its exercise.
Handball.
Really taking sometime out ( each and everyday) to de-stress. To do something that makes you feel happy.
These have all worked for me.
I am sorry that you have PTSD.