Trying to find someone to relate

[Where_is_MyMind]

TW: suicide, self harm, depression, first responding

Hello, 

I have recently been through an experience and I guess trying to find someone who can relate. 

My friend recently tried to end their life. I was first on scene and had to take on an authority role during their recovery. Shortly afterwards I had major surgery. For the first few months it was focusing on my own recovery and making sure they were okay. That they weren't alone, that they were safe. Outside our own partners, we only have each other and our therapists. 

I've had a delayed reaction to it. I have a history of self harm myself, diagnosed with depression, anxiety and CPTSD. I had to make life changing decisions for my friend and I feel so much guilt watching them struggle with the mindset after their attempt and not being able to help them. I know it is their journey. I've tried all the help lines, but there isn't anyone who really understands, just people telling me what they think I want to hear. 

I've given up, I'm so serverely impacted now that I don't want to do anything but sleep and cry. There is no joy left. I'm watching my friend struggle with everything and blaming themselves and it's hard because I know that space. I can't function anymore and it is stressing my partner out too. 

I guess I am just trying to find someone who has also been through this and to get some idea on what they did to be okay. Medical professionals are great but it isn't the same. I have no one I can relate to, so definitely feel like I am going this alone. I won't talk to my friend about it as they don't need to blame themselves for this too. It is my trauma that has risen and it isn't their fault that their attempt triggered it. 

I feel like I am losing my sense of self and my mind. 

Thanks. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @Where_is_MyMind 

I just wanted to firstly welcome you to this space. I'm glad that you have found this space to reach out, it sounds like this has been an extremely overwhelming and traumatic experience and it would be completely natural and understandable to be struggling in the wake of something like this. 

It sounds as though you've each taken such a big role in their recovery which is wonderful that they've had a friend like you, but that's also such a huge responsibility. I imagine it would be hard not to feel the pressure of being one of their sole supports. 

Taking on a caring role is a big undertaking, especially when you yourself are struggling, it can be easy to burn out which isn't a failing as a friend or carer, it's simply a reflection on just how difficult it can be. 

I don't have experience in this myself, so can't offer guidance from a lived experience perspective, though it might be helpful to take a look through the Friends, Families, and carer's space and see if you can relate to any of the posts on there. Unfortunatley it can take members a bit longer to find posts in this current space, though please know that you're not alone in what you're going through. I hope that you're able to connect with others who have shared in similar experiences soon.

In the meantime, if you're needing some additional support outside of your therapist, Suicide Callback Service also offers support for friends and families who have been impacted such as yourself.