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Looking after ourselves

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Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

That's pretty awesome @Shaz51  and great to read

 

My daughter took on 3 boys when she got married and my grand-daughter was born a few months later - she went in at the deep end too - and did well

 

You do so much shaz and you are awesome

 

Dec

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Hi @Scribbles.

Parenting on your own is tough but so is being in a relationship and co-parenting with the wrong person (I found). I have three school aged kids and do it on my own because of family violence too.

I find those conversations really hard, even though I've had some practice now. I always wonder what the 'right' thing to say is as I don't want to bad-mouth their dad to them (even though I think he deserves a lot more than that!) but I also don't want to lie to the kids either.

I try and take a 'choices and consequences' approach with this one. The short version - he made unsafe/scary/bad etc choices and because of that he couldn't be around us anymore.

Something I found really important was to reassure them that it was nothing they did. Even though what happened with us to trigger us leaving was clearly something he did (police/refuge style) each of my kids at some point have made comments to suggest they feel some guilt or confusion about what they did wrong. From my experience that message that they didn't do anything wrong is just as important (perhaps even more important) than why he isn't around.

Do you have any support from family/friends/professionals who can help you out with this too? We've worked with a few family support services and sometimes it helps me to ask for input and suggestions from them.

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Hi all here 🙂👋
 
I was flicking through last night's topic tuesday and wanted to send some hugs to all. Parenting is a hard gig sometimes! As was said lots last night, being real about it can be so helpful. I find it so hard to do sometimes though. There's so much pressure and heaps of judgment out there which doesn't help. 
 
@Shaz51 I agree with @Dec in that you are awesome. You've taken on so much with Mr Shaz and he's very lucky to have you, as are your step babies ❤
 
It's good to see you again @CrazyTiger . I'm really sorry you are experiencing fire threat. It looks so bad for so many people. So hard with a little one and when you have anxiety already. Hope to see you again soon but understand you have a lot going on. Stay safe
 
Sending a hi and welcome to @Jane06. If you feel like joining in some more, there's a lot of understanding and support here on the forum. You might like to Introduce yourself here  or perhaps share a bit about what's happening for you at the moment.

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Thanks @CheerBear 

 

It was an interesting discussion and helpful too - hearing what other people had to add and how adopting or taking on step-children is a hard step - but worth it

 

Also other people who have had premature babies - it's a tough start for the baby but rough on the mother too

 

And there were other people whose husbands/partners disconnected in some way - my then-h couldn't bond with our son who he had wanted so much - this causes heartache but it happens - sadly

 

And of course - how we face the isolation being a new parent faces - something that is entirely unexpected - in my mother's generation grandmothers were often - not always - there to help - live-in help in my mother's case

 

So - children are a blessing but they come with challenges and we are not alone - just back in my time and for many others - we didn't have the phone for our first - let alone the internet - what a great thing social media is

 

And for @CrazyTiger  up there in the fires - I hope things are easier today - I'm thinking of everyone up there in NSW and Queensland. I hope you are safe

 

Dec

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Hi @CheerBear 

 

You've had tough stuff co-parenting - wow - 3 children and difficult or impossible father as well - you are better off out of it for the childrens' sake but it's hard

 

I left my ex when my daughter was in Primary School - she whined and whined to go home and it's not the thing to talk about these things with a 7 yo - so I went back - for better or worse - recently I discussed this with her - she didn't understand why that happened but she wasn't bothered when her father and I divorced after she had turned 18. I was employed then and I had saved up enough to start on my own which made it better for me too - but those extra years served for the "sake of the children" was really difficult

 

You have so much on your plate - I hear you CheerBear

 

Dec

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Hi everyone here @Shaz51 @CheerBear @Dec @CrazyTiger @Teej   I've been quiet since Tuesday just coz I've been very busy.  Following along here but don't really have any advice that's relevant so far.  My child's father and I separated the week she was born so my child didn't go through the whole separation event.  By the time they were at school my child used to say they were lucky to have 2 homes.  He and I lived near each other so he had overnight access visits from day one that I brought her home from hospital.

If anyone has any questions after reading my story on Topic Tuesday feel free to ask them.  The gist of it was about raising a child with disabilities as a single mother with mental health issues.

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Thanks for sharing your story @eth  - hearing a different story helps me - for so long I really felt alone with my troubled son - I had to continue living with my ex-h after things were breaking down between us because I couldn't manage the situation on my own

 

So my son had died before we separated for the third time - I guess a separation will work when the time is right - I had a lot of resentment for a long time - my ex had very little to say and wasn't reliable and the rest of the world had plenty to say and interferred - 

You had no choice but to go it alone with your daughter - I can see that - I can't imagine how that was for you - having such an early birth and a child with physica issues would be challlenging - during childhood the medical profession was telling us that my son was hard to handle - with ADHD but I was pretty ignorant of the whole deal

 

So it's wonderful to hear that your daughter had a good relationship with her father - my daughter thought she did but after I was out of the situation she found differently - and my grand-daughter doesn't seem to know her grandfather which really saddens me

 

So I stayed because of the children - and I have never been lonely as I was when I was married and I really worked hard to make the marriage work - in the end just for my daughter - 

 

I haven't spoken to my ex for over 20 years - I am over it now but for years it really hurt

 

How do you get on with your ex now?

 

Also - I hear you being the single parent of a child with disabilities and having mental health issues yourself would be incredibily difficult

 

Thanks again Eth - I triggered myself duing the time we were posting but I am over that now - I really had not had such a discussion with other parents before and I felt good about sharing now

 

Dec

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Hi @Dec   I'm glad to hear you are feeling better than you did the other night.  I was really stirred up afterwards too.  I rarely tell that part of my story these days either.  The discussion went so quickly and there was very little feedback from the facilitators in my opinion.  

Re my child's father - my child is 31 now and I really don't have anything to do with him at all.  He was at their wedding of course (8 years ago) - we got through that without incident and even did the parent's dance together with her.  Then on my recent trip to visit my child and grandchildren he was leaving as I arrived and caught me totally unawares with a kiss on the cheek.  After he'd gone all I could think was 'well that was odd'.   

I've seen 'staying together for the children' from the child's perspective and it wasn't pretty in our case.  DV occurred regularly.  My mother ended up leaving my father after we were grown and seeing it as an adult now I know we would all have been better off if they'd separated earlier.  But every situation is different.  How brave and strong of you to have persevered in the circumstances.   Heart

Re: The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

My 17 year old son and I had a fight.  He went to my mums house.  Then he decided to live with her.  He's been gone about 4 or 5 months. 

I miss him.  I still see and talk to him but not often. 

I actually feel peaceful at home without him.  There are no arguments.  There's no wet towels or clothes on the floor.  There aren't 6 cups used for just that day. 

I don't have to cook if I don't want to.  I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want,  whenever. 

I've been a single parent to him since he was 2 &1/2 years old. 

I think I should feel guilty for feeling like this but I don't. 

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