Heya @MDT . I saw, took interest and read your post before I even realised it was you - with whom I have spoken at some length - who wrote it. Funny, that.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that what I am seeing is someone who is looking at things and questioning how much how you are living lines up with your values. It's something I've been working on a lot in recent years, myself. Being in survival mode had me working long hours in a job I don't love just to keep food on the table (it's the job I took to get me through uni, which didn't get me a better job, and I've been stuck there ever since). It took a combination of both good and awful events to jog me into a different space where I could step back and spend a bit of time evaluating things.
You mentioned taking up jobs for the sake of it, and suppressing things you care for, wonder and worry about. I have a bunch of questions about that, if you're cool with that (no pressure to answer anything you're not comfortable with). Are you in a financial position to take a break from applying for any old job and considering what you really want? Or even to volunteer somewhere that fits your values if there aren't paid jobs in the field? If not, can you do part time to hours that suit you and pay the bills whilst allowing yourself a little space to breathe? For me, downsizing my car and my house, revisiting my utility bills and so on meant I could live on less and therefore work less. My job still doesn't fill me with joy but I can do less of it, and when I'm there I'm more present and productive because of it, which helps me cope with life better. As a result, I can do more of what I care about, being with my partner and our birds, chilling out and playing video games or whatever. Humble values, but hey, that stuff makes me happy.
The big question is, what does being good to yourself mean to you? I gather travel is important to you. It's not overseas, but maybe local travel and fruit picking to earn a crust is possible as a short term option? With borders opening up and local economies trying to right themselves, I'm sure it would be doable. I guess the idea is if you can't launch into what you most want, can you edge in that direction? Me, I'm edging toward working even less so maybe I can study again and get the old brain meats back in use (they're just not in retail). I want to do more creative stuff, too. I try with little projects like drawing cartoons lampooning my Warhammer 40K armies, and various other random things. It's a work in progress, but edging in the right direction beats stagnating. Onwards!
AFK.
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