Wind back the clock to a couple of weeks ago and you'll find me sitting on the couch depressed as all Hell and longing for a way out. You'll see me drink too much, hurt myself, cry, scream, spew, toss and turn all night, write suicide letters and talk to my son about how I'll always be with him even if he can't see me.
This year has kicked my ass, no doubt. It's brought me to a point of desperation where it's either make or break.
Now if we look at the past week, you'll see a noteable difference in my outlook and behaviour. I voluntarily got out of bed at 7am (for the first time in years), have been chipping away at regular household chores (and managing multiple things in one day), cooked proper meals, have felt happy, laughed, danced, taken my boy out on adventures, fallen asleep within 5 minutes at bed time, haven't dwelled on the past, haven't contemplated suicide, have had positive memories return regarding previous sexual relationships (though not sure why I'd blocked those out), have contacted clients about work, haven't felt overwhelmed by responsibilities of single parent life, rescheduled plans with a mate and also went on a uh kind of ah date type thing.
So, what changed? I've been smoking weed. And yeah, I did that for fun when I was younger but cut a lot of that stuff out when I got into a serious relationship. I'm not doing it for fun now, I'm not sitting around getting baked. Not sober, but not noticeably medicated either. Balance.
The past week has been... Life saving. Felt like a regular person. Normal. Content. Ready to pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward from this shitty period in my life.
I tested myself yesterday and stayed sober. No weed at all yesterday or last night. I wanted to clearly see the difference in my state of mind, sober vs medicated. Tell you what, it's a big difference. Yesterday, my mood started falling to crap by dinner time. Wanted to drink (another thing i haven't touched the past week either!). I spent last night tossing and turning, obsessing, thinking, reliving. Today, still sober, those feelings of hopelessness came creeping back in. Past trauma starts stirring again in my mind. I struggle functioning, making conversation with other adults, I withdraw. Driving home this morning it all starts cycling again, all the shit that's been playing on a loop these past few months. It feels overwhelming. I get home, wanting to do nothing but go to bed. No motivation to work, cook, eat, nothing. I haven't made it back out of bed yet. Still lying here.
That physical weight of depression that sits in my chest is here, another thing I haven't noticed the past week. Today/last night has been a rude reminder of my shitty state of mind. It's not gone, not fixed, but maybe it can be managed better than it has been.
Yeah I still get memories and thoughts trying to surface throughout the day, but they've been fleeting. They haven't been all consuming. They haven't even been a little bit consuming, just there and then gone. It's been a fu*king breath of fresh air.
Only downside has been nightmares are in full swing cause of the pot. But there's a balance there too, yes nightmares have been more vivid and I guess frequent the past week. But, I've been falling asleep as soon as I get into bed and I've only been waking up maybe 2-3 times a night so I'm sleeping for longer periods at a time.
Anyway, I'm gonna go get my ass out of bed and smoke some weed.
