Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Is it good or bad...

I've taken to writing letters to my partner that has schizophrenia and presently isn't here. 

I just got a notebook and titled it 'letters to him' using our nicknames.

Just writing about events he may not recall in his state.

Then just casual things about my day each day. Adding photos and talking about the new house as I struggle to set it up alone and with limited funds. Telling him that I miss him and still love him. 

I don't know if I'll ever send it to him but for now it helps me but is it really a sign I am going off the edge?

How can I tell the difference in anything anymore?

[Former-Member]

As someone with schizophrenia maybe he is lost at the moment @Former-Member @and figuring himself out while he has truly figured out himself I guess you will be guessing so don’t take it too hard on yourself.

but I know everyone who has the illness is their own self and we are not all the same just cause we share a diagnosis.

I hope you can navigate what your trying to navigate at these uncertain times. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your kind words. 

You're right everyone is different, I guess it's figuring out where what he wants is VS the line to what his condition acts like he wants.

A line I have no clue on. 

As said before in other posts I'm not willing to give up till I know for sure what he wants but the waiting game in-between is HARD to handle. Yet, 🤷‍♀️ if he still loves me then there ain't no hell storm I won't endure. 

I believe love is more than a simple word. I just also wish it gave more clarity to those of us living in the grey. Never knowing one way or another. What I call life with him. The grey. Because you often don't know if it's one or another.

It's also unfortunate that my conditions get great support from affection and I'm in love with a man who often can only be part time affectate. I'd lop off my left arm for a hug from him right now as the last few weeks have been brutal for me and instead I've not seen or heard from him in all that time. 

It's all complicated that's for sure. Thanks for commenting this forum is helpful. ☺ it's sweet that he brought me this device before he "slipped" that has gone on to be a tremendous asset to keep me comforted and connected to things like this forum, intentional or not he's helped me get through even when he's not here. Isn't that special?

Do you know anything about his condition? I'm still learning, I've only know a few weeks. Is it possible he can "come back" to himself when he has no support, no meds and lives in a hideous environment (he's in a homeless shelter where his mother dumped him when she'd had enough- another reason why I don't want to abandon him- its a triggering hostile environment where those there make things worse for him) is it possible he can dig himself out when everything around him makes it seem like his psychosis is a cozy place he should stay in? 

Am I holding on to someone who is already gone? 

I'm sorry, I'm deeply distressed at the moment clinging to any information I can get. You know google isn't always helpful, I'm still not sure if it's true that falling in love with me wasn't a major emotional change that triggered this episode in him and therefore me being in his life is infact hurting him. Something I NEVER want to do.

How do I contend with my health issues if it is a choice of a life where my being with him hurts him and a life without him to protect him. Neither keep my issues at bay any sort of life without him triggers my conditions. 

I'm so lost and confused. 😔 

[hanami]

Hi @Former-Member 

Thank you for sharing your story, it's so great that you've reached out here. I'm one of the peer workers here at SANE.

It sounds like you are a wonderful, caring partner who will do anything for him. I think it's a lovely idea to document things in a notebook!

I'm wondering if you would like to read a couple of resources I came across about people who have partners with a schizophrenia diagnois? I'll pop them here for you to have a look at.

I will also tag in some of the lovely forumites that may be able to share some pearls of wisdom: @Zoe7 @Dallas @Aniela @Powderfinger @Gazza75 @Daisy15 @Appleblossom @Eve7 
@Smiling_Gecko @Mortiis 

Sending hugs

Hanami

https://helpingminds.org.au/supporting-partner-with-schizophrenia/ 

https://psychcentral.com/schizophrenia/when-you-suspect-your-partner-has-schizophrenia 

[FloatingFeather]

HI @Former-Member,

I just finished reading your post. You sound like a really nice person - very patient and understanding with your partner. 

I think what you are doing is good - if not for your partner but for yourself. It sounds like a really good way to honour your relationship. I would imagine it is a way for you to engage in your relationship in a way and remind both of you of all the good and positive things about it. If and when you show it to your partner it may help trigger memories and help him to remember things he may not be able to at the moment.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with @Former-Member. Do you have support for you? Whilst I can read how supportive you are to your partner I would encourage you to have support for yourself too. I am an emotional carer (for about 20 years) for a close family member who has a serious mental health issue and I understand how draining it can be. It can also be a rollercoaster for both of you. I would really encourage if you haven't already to reach out for support for you - maybe your GP, a trusted family member or friend. Maybe if you have someone to chat with outside your partner you can begin to unpack what is going on a little and get a better idea around what you are thinking.

What you are doing makes complete sense to me - it's like you are journaling and unpacking your relationship in a practical and productive way. I would think it may be cathartic and helpful. 

I wish you and your partner all the best.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[maddison]

Oh @Former-Member. reading your post, feels like I'm reading a letter I wrote to myself 20 years ago. The details are slightly different, yet the emotions & thoughts you describe are so similar to my own experience back then.

Schizophrenia is a very challenging disorder for loved ones. As you mentioned, the affection & expression of love may not be consistent. As I also have my own mental health issues, & emotional needs, it can be incredibly difficult to deal with feelings of rejection. Sadly, this can be a symptom of the diagnosis.

I think within medical literature it is described as a Negative Symptom. Negative describes how it takes something away from the person. For example, an openness to always be warm & affectionate.

I became consumed by my friends health needs. I forgot about myself. I was hurt so many times.

I wish that back then, I could have had access to the sage advice @FloatingFeather has offered you.

The thing, I didn't realise back then, was that, if I wanted to help him, then I must be the best version of myself possible. Does that make sense?

I thought I needed to help him by focusing on him, & putting myself second. 

I now know, (& am still learning), that if I want to help him - then I need to look after & nourish myself first.

Mental health diagnosis can be shocking & confronting to deal with. I was completely unprepared & didn't realise how easy it was to quickly become over extended. It can be so exhausting.

I can't say if this is right relationship for you, or if it has potential for longevity. As you are aware, the two of you are battling more than your share of odds.

Look after yourself. He survived before he met you. If things are meant to be, then they will, & in a good way. Without you having to sacrifice too much - including your sanity!!

I think the journal is a perfect idea x

Thankyou @FloatingFeather for writing an amazing response.

Wishing you the best @Former-Member 

[Former-Member]

@FloatingFeather 

Thank you for your post. No at the moment I don't have any support. I'm still looking and on my city it's considered quite odd what I'm doing and generally no one supports us as a couple (or individually to be frank) 

I'm still in the isolation stage becoming quite annoyed that I've yet to find help. This forum however has been my best asset. 

I live in a city surrounded by people that what me to leave him and him himself won't talk to me so I think it's what he wants me to do too. I think I'm in a relationship that's already broken under the pressure and I'm too dumb to accept it. 

[Former-Member]

@maddison

Thank you for your kind words. I'm hurting pretty badly tonight. So unsure if I'm fighting for something already gone. He hasn't been himself for almost a month and I'm petrified, for him and for us. 

He hasn't spoken to me in weeks-heck I even think he has blocked me on his phone- I can't tell anymore just how big of a clueless twit I am. 

Is it just his condition talking? Or are we really over? 

This is the first time we've been through this together so we have no plans or anything to advise me

 I'm flying blind and alone.

I don't dispute you advice for finding help to support me, I just can't find it at the moment. I feel like the world is on my shoulders and the city is against me, I've not been so sure about us since his mother told me to "bugger off" (paraphrasing) over text message the other night. 

I've not got out of bed for days. I feel so lost. So unsure. So lonely. 

I know I have to take care of me, for him and in general for myself but I can't see the point. The roller-coaster has indeed made me ill.

I still love him but if he dasn't want me what am I to do? 

We have a complicated relationship where everyone down plays it as a fling and expects me to just shrug it off. I am not that person and I frankly don't know what to do anymore.

[Former-Member]

@hanami 

Thank you. I looked into the links you sent. They are ye yet to show any use but it is still relevant. 

I guess everything can be a waiting game on this situation. 

Thanks for your support. 

[maddison]

Hi @Former-Member 

I'm sorry to read that things are so difficult for you at the moment. I feel like I can relate in so many ways, when you express the lack of support available, the rollercoaster, the world against you & isolation!!

It's probably wise to see your GP. Let them know about your diet & sleep disturbances.

It sounds as though, the lack of communication, or getting any information is really weighing on you. I think I can understand.

Try to find things throughout your day that you enjoy. Writing & expressing yourself, here on SANE or in your journal can be really beneficial for your own mental health. Lack of relevant support can mean that we have to get creative in finding ways to balance the mind & emotions.

I find that literally being creative, making art etc. Is very soothing for me & allows me to express what I am going through in an unstructured way. Poems are great like that too!

Thoughts & emotions don't come neatly packaged. It's messy & complicated. Simply getting them out in whatever medium is comfortable for you can often be the greatest support available. (Singing & music! Or watching a movie)

Please speak with GP about issues of feeling overwhelmed. Having that professional support can contribute to an overall feeling of balance.

Re: the complications of love -the following quote has helped me in life. ..You have likely heard it before 💜

 

I also found some others in my Google search that I liked!

  

  

  

  

  

  

✌️ maddison