@Bipolarcarer sorry it's taken me a few days.
I completely relate to your feeling that you get into the most trouble when your partner feels guilty. Sometimes it is completely irrational. He will wake me up during the night looking for a hat, or a hanky or the chocolate that he keeps under the pillow that melts into the bed.... but I have learnt to pretend to still be asleep up until the moment the lights go on and I'm asked to help. If I "wake up" while he thinks he's still being quiet and trying not to wake me I get accused of all sorts of nonsense. "Can I help swearheart?" is responded to as if I've started calling him names and yelling about being woken.
When he's ok, if I try and talk to him about things that have been an issue while he's been on a rant, he shuts down completely and won't talk, often taking himself off to bed for the rest of the day.
I've been playing the game for three years now and I had no idea what I was taking on. Slowly, slowly I'm learning not to believe everything I'm told when the Angry Man is talking.
A year ago when he needed a new psycologist I referred him to a lady I'd seen following a bereavement 5 years ago. She is lovely. Earlier this year when I thought I needed some help myself again she passed me onto a colleague. That colleague told me if I wasn't prepared to leave him she couldn't help me. I wanted help to manage the feelings of frustration and anger I'm driven to, but she said she didn't want to turn me into "a robot with no feelings". Hmmmm
So now, once a month I'm going with him to see his Dr with him as a couple's consultation. We had our first one last week and as soon as I started to open up a bit, and got a bit weepy, he shut down completely and was very hostile with the Dr if she asked him for any response. Dunno what to do now.
His moods have been controlled reasonably well for the last couple of months due to some changes in meds - but also it is cyclic and I think there may be another bad patch on the horizon judging by his sleeping patterns and appetite. Like @Shaz51 says - I'm pretty good if he's not too bad.
I have to overcome the trauma reponse to his bad moods that I've developed over the last year and a bit. He moved into my place when the pandemic started and never went home. Prior to that I had a few nights a week to myself which was enough respite to cope with whatever happened the other times. Now I'm a bit ptsd'y in my responses to even a little upset - it triggers in me an over reaction which, in turn, makes him angrier. That was why I want professional help.
At least I got to explain it to him in the pdoc's office last week, even if it did make him sullen and withdrawn. Maybe he'll remember and cut me some slack. Counselling won't work unless both parties are willing to play.
anyway - at work so better sign off.
S
