This is my story about Mia, she is my wife and my constant companion in this life. Mia has schizophrenia. She had this before I met her I think from our conversations since she was about 14 (now 31) and when I met her she was on medication. Most interesting to me is that Mia has no interest in her illness beyond her medication she never discusses the symptoms or seems interested in using logic to understand the nature of what I now call her cycles.
Mia has significant jealousy issues including paranoia she thinks I will cheat or betray her and believes this is a trait in all males. This is reinforced by her previous relationships where she believes she was cheated and betrayed however she isn’t sure if it was real or imagined betrayals and cheating. She initiates a lot of fights and as I mentioned before I call the process a cycle.
It always starts with a perceived issue it could be a bad dream it could be a notification I receive on my phone, it’s been about spending eight dollars without telling her first, many many unrelated triggers. The next step is discussion, where I show her that I haven’t breached her trust of betrayed her or cheated on her. Once this is evident she will bring up past issues to fuel her growing anger. Mia avoids all eye contact during this cycle staring away from me, her anger is palpable her eyes become murderous. I pointed out the cycle to her verbally forecasting her next stage in clear detail only to have her delay the stage but it had no effect on the cycle.
Next she will bring up my ex and talk about things that make her angry it usually involves Mia verbalising what she believes such as sexual encounters I had with my Ex in her mind from the past they are often very insulting and the angle of the attack seems to be that I enjoyed sexual relations with my Ex and I should return to her because I secretly want to.
Sometimes she will drag up issue from 20 years before we met again it seems to fuel her anger. I never give this credibility and I never initiate conversations about my Ex because it seems to trigger later problems. Once she is past this Mia then want to either leave or try and make me tell her to leave by increasingly hostile verbal attacks, by taking comments completely out of context. During a cycle Mia will listen however she seems to search my words for anything she can use to escalate the issue. For instance I might say “I don’t love my ex” in response to an accusation and she would then say something like ”Oh so you loved her in the past she was your one true love, you loved her more than you love me”
Mia avoids all eye contact and tenses up sometimes so much she gets muscular aches afterwards. This state remains for a nonspecific period of time usually from 20 minutes to 4 hours. Then she will smile and the cycle is over and completely finished.
I do not have a strategy that is effective of breaking the cycle I’ve tried perhaps 200 times to break the cycle but each time it has to run its course. Logic has no effect on the cycle, escalating such as ultimatums do not work. Trying to be passive does not work, expressing love, trying to support, not partaking in the discussion all do not work. Mia is educated a great achievement I believe being able to complete university and additional education whilst dealing with at that stage untreated schizophrenia is a testament to her character.
Mia can be very controlling she will check my phone and my emails on a regular basis she has gone through my items many times and she cannot seem to weigh up the positive things at all. They hold no value to her she only accepts things that will reinforce her negative feelings. I think Mia believes she doesn’t deserve love and that our relationship is fleeting and will end at any moment. Mia will destroy everything such as her job, savings, her possessions if she believes we are over. She has thrown rings (wedding) away she has booked hotels many times. Once she booked a hotel for a month in advance only to change her mind the same evening. I enacted a 24 hour cool off period however she agrees when she is not in a cycle the moment a cycle hits she will not follow any such rules. Sometimes I get so frustrated the even though I know better I find myself arguing with her and in effect reinforcing the anger part of the cycle.
It’s not overly healthy and I struggle in that she can have 10 cycles a week sometimes three cycles a day for a few days. Then there are times where we are good for weeks. For me the good times out way the troubled times.
I just wanted to share my experience
