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Eden1919
Senior Contributor

How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

Firstly I want to say I am not blaming anyone nor am I saying anyone should feel they shouldn't post things but I do want to know what one should do if they feel very triggered by other members posts. Or if one is feeling triggered by other members in a more general sense. I suppose I should be more specific for me personally I don't mean that I get triggered by content for example if someone is posting about how much pain they are experiencing or their sense of hopelessness that does not bother me. What has been triggering me lately is when people don't respond to someone who is clearly reaching out desperately for support. Now I can understand that there may be any number of reasons someone (including myself) may not respond to a post of this nature maybe they are not sure what to say and something like that but it still makes me uncomfortable that for what ever reason some people get 'ignored' for lack of a better word. What I mean by this is there are some people who get hundreds in some cases thousands of replies to a topic they have started and are regularly supported by many other forum members no matter what the issue. Then there are others who can repeatedly reach out and get maybe only one or two replies but no ongoing support from the forum community as to that issue. It feels to me like there are certain 'popular' members and not so popular members and that the not so popular members often go unsupported. This issue of some people seemingly getting all the support and others not really quite upsets me and triggers me to feel very alone and rejected quite often. Again I am not blaming anyone but I am wondering if there is a way to address this or if this is someone who understands where I am coming from could please tell me how they cope with it because otherwise I am considering just leaving the forum as it is getting to upsetting for me to feel like I am consistently unwanted everywhere I go but at the same time there have been a few people on here who have made me feel supported. Again no blame just my feelings and not sure what to do. Thanks in advance for anyone who takes the time and effort to read this.
42 REPLIES 42

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

Hi @Eden1919,

I'm sorry to read that there are times you feel triggered and unsupported on the forum.

This might be something to talk to the SANE helpline about when it's open. If you like, please give them a ring on 1800 18 7263 sometime between 10 am and 10pm weekdays eastern time. 

All the best yeah

Joe The Lion

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

Hello @Eden1919 It sounds like you are feeling very alone. Just wanted you to know I heard you and am thinking of you. Hope today is better.

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

Hi @Eden1919,

I am totally hearing you! This is an issue that has been spoken about before, and I don't think we've really discovered a solution to it. For me personally, I hate the fact that I can't keep up with everyone and support everyone. I feel really bad that I simply don't have the time or emotional resources to support everyone who I see is struggling. I can hear that you are not blaming anyone for the situation, you are simply describing it. I really wish I had the answer @Eden1919

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

@Eden1919 Hi Eden1919 yes I agree with your that at times there appears to be a clique happening but that is a part of life isn't it. Some people get along better than others ... I tend to brush it off in the knowledge that people who like me will like me for all my warts and all whilst others just wont and that is okay because I am not like them either.

Don't let it bring you down I like you and always read your posts just sometimes I am feeling so down I cannot post or feel that the 'like' button is inappropriate (I hate that like button at times).

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

I think there are a couple of layers to your questions here @Eden1919

The forum has become so big that we can't possibly read or respond to all posts and as @Phoenix_Rising has said we 'can't keep up with everyone and support everyone'. There are certain 'situations' or 'topics' that some are better equipped to provide support on and/or can relate to. There are also times when that emotional support that is needed is unable to be provided by some members for their own self-care.

I understand you thinking that some members are more 'popular' than others and that they receive more support than some others but I think you will also find that these members provide a lot of support to others themselves - it is about give and take and these members 'give' a lot and therefore others are willing to support them also when needed. Part of this is also a 'familiarity' that evolves when some members have had ongoing interactions over a long period of time.

I am not saying that members need to have this same level of interaction and/or familiarity with each other in order to be supported but an ongoing dialogue or 'knowing' someone certainly does enhance such support as each member knows what is needed more readily to support that person.

We also have our Community Guides where - for some - their role is to welcome new members and 'pick up' on those who are needing support - but we need to remember here also that the CG have their own 'issues' with MI to deal with and they are not always in the 'right space' to be able to support other members.

We also have the moderators who need to 'jump in' when they can see that someone is not receiving the support they need and engage with that member until other members are able to support them.

I do know (as @Phoenix_Rising has also said) that this issue is an ongoing one and that there have been discussions around how we can make new threads/posts/members more prominent so other members can reply. I believe this is an ongoing discussion that your post here is highlighting again - and that is a good thing.

I also think that some of us find it too hard when we are dealing with our own MI to respond to many threads/posts - whether that be time restrictions, triggering content or simply not wanting to interact with too many people - this is where I often sit! There are times when I feel I can respond to more threads/posts and times when I cannot 'venture out' to too many parts of the forum as I do not feel safe enough to do so - that is when I (as do some others) stick to one or two 'known' threads - part of our own self-care is knowing what we can and cannot deal with and that is just as important on a forum like this as is providing support to others.

Finally - when some members 'jump' from thread to thread it is often difficult to keep track of them and their 'stories' - whereas when they engage with the community on only a few threads it is easier to 'keep track' and to build a rapport - this is when you feel more invested in the conversation and can better determine what kind of support is needed. 

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

I have felt hurt in real life so many times by these type of scenarios @Eden1919 and have actively raised the issue here.  

I dont tend to be one to talk about feelings much and do encourage people to talk about a range of things as a way of moving on from being stuck in or over identifying with a negative feeling.

Some people have said to me that they dont relate to my story which is why they dont respond to me.

It has taken a very long time of being active in the forum for me to get any sense of support at all. People just think I am strong.  So I do the things I did as a little girl coping with more than I should.

One thing that being active on the forum for nearly 3 years has been good for me is seeing how social groups morph and change.  I am not as vulnerable as I was when I was a little girl.  I have seen on the forum, how the "popular people's" relationships and rapport has grown, and so now I feel less threatened by the sense of rejection, or any comparison, but only a little bit.  Now that I understand how unusual my upbringing was, the chances of people having similar experiences and feelings is low, but the rejection and abandonment go very deep.

Sometimes I think people find it easy to "have a go" at me (def not you) rather than really try and get where I am coming from.  Not realise how much effort I have put in to be there for others. Mostly I dont respond, let it go through to the keeper, as it is tricky, and most forum members feel upset by signs of visible conflict.

I think it is great you have raised the question again. It is probably true of any social grouping.  I beleive most long term members really do try TO BE INCLUSIVE. I have seen them drag themselves from their own concerns to reach out.  

Many people do only post a few times and without them responding their threads go fallow.

Take care @Eden1919

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

@Eden1919 I can understand where you are coming from and when forums end up like you posted that's when it becomes Counterproductive to most. In my personal opinion I have noticed what you are saying and tried to counterbalance this by trying when I can to answer new members posts for the very reason you stated, as I see their need as greater as they get less response if any. As for me a support group should be equally also about give and not just take. As we all need support. Hence when I use to struggle and receive support - I would equally give it regardless how hard it was at the time for me to offer it. 

Presently I am in a good place and my commitments and priorities are taking me offline. I do hope you find the support you need - if not here there are other online support groups you can try that are good. Don't get discouraged, keep reaching out.

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

Thank you for everyones responses i really appreciate your opinions on this issue. @Former-Member@Appleblossom@Zoe7@greenpea@Phoenix_Rising@anyone else i have missed. 

I can understand that not everyone is an expert on everything and that that may impact who responds to who/what situation but i do think something we all have in common is empathy and the ability to understand that it can feel very lonely living with mental health issues. Because of this i do think that it could help if even when people arent sure what to say they could simply offer words of support. things like "i am hearing you and i am sorry you are struggling" arent hard to say and can go a long long way to making others feel like they are not being ignored repeatedly. this is just a suggestion and while i try to do this as much as possible myself i addmitedly could do it a little more often. 

i also understand that there is an issue of give and take but i do feel that there are many people particularly in the start who will try and reach out the other members quite a lot and yet still only get limited responses from others. i myself have stopped reaching out to others many times because i have felt that i was not wanted or welcome in many conversations and so i just avoided them. i actually often prefer "new" threads as it does not feel like you are stepping on someone elses turff. i am also aware that clipues happen in real life too but i dont neccesseraliy believe that they should play a major role in support forms and how they go about supporting people. 

the other thing i see with all of this it that there are some members who can reach out to others a lot and perhaps get a few replies but in terms of ONGOING support there is not much whereas others who are more "popular" get consistent replies over long periods of time and i think seeing that happen to other members when you are not part of that group is conflicting. it is great for the person recieving the support but not so great for you and can even come accross as hurtful. another thing is that some of the very long threads i feel discourage people from joining in as they can be thousands of pages long and very intimidating but then if you dont join them you dont stand a chance of being accepted to the "popular" group. it is a complicated issue that does not have a straight forward and easy answer but i feel there must be some things we could do to make things a bit less upsetting.

Re: How to cope when triggered by others on the forums.

@Eden1919 - I am hearing you and concur with most of what you posted. I have read a lot of members posts stating what you have said in both your posts over the years.  I agree, even if one cannot identify with others issues on here (no one can completely as everyone has different experiences), a few words of empathy and support here and there that you mentioned do go along way to making a person sound heard, supported and not alone. The primary objective of any support group.

There are supportive people here and not everyone has the time to stretch themselves over all threads, please let us not overlook this - but you said about cliques here is true and that's an area on the forums where new members fear to tread, seeing themselves as being possibly intrusive or being made to feel that way. And other members needs are neglected when when there is unbalanced support throughout the forum. Most people do leave when feeling this way so from the perspective of nurturing a productive support group that seeks mental health wellbeing and suicide prevention, this issue you have raised is most important and one I hope you reach a satisfactory conclusion with. 

 

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